Move Forward, Not Back

I couldn’t sleep the past few days. I was thinking and thinking, feeling guilty for what I’ve done to her and to myself especially. The only thing I did was to be honest and be open for whatever I was feeling. And despite of this, he still put me into this situation where I am a loser both ways. When he told me about it, I was fine and took it as it was. But then, I think I wasn’t able to react the way I should because I was too insensitive of my own pain. He asked me to hold on and wait for the right time so he can fix everything for us. That us crossing paths again after more than five years could really mean something. I know he didn’t intend to do this but it was done already and he can not bring back the time.

I can’t move on still because I need time to deal with this anger towards him and towards myself, but I know I have nothing to go back to and the only choice I have right now is to do what is right and move forward. :(

Our Pangasinan Adventure!!!

(May 1-2, 2009)

Against all odds, the delays and challenges we had encountered during our trip, the Silang Pangasinan Adventure was still undeniably a big success!!!

Personally, it was way better than the Zambales trip last year, not because more people joined and who participated or not but because we were able to spend more time together (in the van…finding our destination hopelessly), had more unforgettable memories, got to visit lots of places and of course I had that trip with Nica. My euphoria from that trip even lasted for more than a week! If only our budget was not limited, our physical bodies not yet giving up and we didn’t have jobs to worry, I think we could have stayed longer in Pangasinan. Haaay….

Ten of my fifteen friends met in our house where we had our quick lunch. Mama cooked sinigang and lumpiang shanghai which we just bought and prepared hastily that morning, but it turned out to be “masarap”. Nas even joked me on the spot that he couldn’t make it and everyone whom I shared the news with was cursing him already for doing that, when suddenly he showed up and said “joke lang”, gggrrrrrrr. We departed around 12 noon and picked up Epay and Eilron and went straight to SM North Edsa to pick up the last three people. However, on our way there Nica texted me that she couldn’t make it at 1pm because the other manager who would replace her would come in at 2 pm. So we wandered around the mall for a while until 2pm. Jeng and Liz were waiting for us there as well. So finally, we were already complete and were ready to start the journey. Nica and Eilron struggled to eat their lunch that I prepared for them in the van. Haha!

We expected a 4-5 hour travel from Manila to Bolinao Pangasinan, but we spent 8 HOURS traveling alone. Imagine the butt pain we all had. We went down to several McDo’s on our way to pee and grab snacks. We entertained ourselves the best way we could but some ended up sleeping, other chatting, playing and fighting their boredom, haha. Good thing we had a clown with us (thank you arnel) that kept our spirits high (naks!).

Anyway, around 5pm, we reached Pangasinan, the scenes, the ambiance, fresh air, the urbanity of the place itself really drew me in. Inside me, I was thanking God for the wonderful gifts that I was witnessing then and also for pulling me out of the city life for a while. Everybody was getting impatient already with all the signs on the road pointing us to our destination because they seemed endless. But we just ended up making jokes out of it and laughing at ourselves. It was dark already, the roads were narrow and zigzagy. Beside us were mountains and hills, in short it was really scary. The good thing was that the people of Pangasinan are kind, welcoming and really helpful in telling us directions. Thank God, we reached Bolinao Town proper at around 9pm. We had our really late dinner and checked in to our Inn. The rooms were comfortable, simple and clean. It was worth it, two rooms for just P3,600. I didn’t know until we arrived there that Rock Garden is a beach resort also. So we decided, after putting down our things to visit the shore. We saw some families still enjoying the beach that late at night. The water was warm, so shallow and even if you walked like 5 meters away, the water was still knee deep. We didn’t stay long and just took few pictures and then decided to prepare ourselves to sleep. But no, we even had the energy to play card games and chat until 2am, (remember our call time was 4:30 am). It was really really fun, we just laughed our hearts out literally.

We left Rock Garden around 6 am the next morning. Jayson, Jeng, Lis and Nas even had time to ride a balsa before leaving. We had our breakfast on our way to Patar Beach. It took us around 1 ½ hour ride going there from the Inn. Everyone was so excited to finally see the fruit of our long labor (Yahoo!!!). We could smell the sea air that was so magnetizing.

Patar Beach is an unsullied place even if it is open to the public. The sand was like polvoron and was so fine. There were some sea weeds on the shore but it did not diminish our longing for the beach. There were some rocky parts but there were also some sandy ones where we swam. We had to walk few meters to feel the waves and ride with them. Ofcourse, the water was salty (hehe!) but not salty enough for you to give up swimming. We took pictures, ate snacks, played volleyball and dodge ball. Arnel even had a high blood pressure! My goodness! We panicked for a while, hehe. We just bought our lunch there that was done in a flash. So I bet, everyone got really hungry then. Before leaving, we decided not to take a bath because we would still head to hundred islands and swim there. The only minus point in our Patar adventure was the public comfort rooms. Relatively, they were still cleaner compared to other public places but not comfortable enough to use.

Hundred Islands Adventure was more remarkable. It was my first time to do island hopping and doing it with my friends made it more special for me. We rented a big boat for P2,000 and another P1,500 for the vests, snorkeling apparatus and salbabidas. All of us couldn’t wait to jump in to the boat and start the banca moving. Sad thing was that Kuya Larry, our driver couldn’t join because the banca fits 17 people only, with our two banca drivers. We were all quiet while rolling our eyes, looking at the islets and bigger isolated islands, counting and naming them. We first headed to the Governor’s island where we climbed up a long winding stairway to reach the summit where we could see the entire hundred islands, well almost. Then, we went to visit few more islands and stopped at Lopez I think to swim and snorkel. I saw giant clams and few fishes and headed back to the banca together with nica, shai and eilron to give my vest to Arnel. It was so funny that we discovered that Arnel was afraid of water and was literally shaking when he got down the first time…hahahahaha!. That became a running joke on our way home. Before we left the hundred islands around 5 pm, we still stopped at one island and swam. We owned that island for a while and it felt really good to be literally away from everything.

The minus point for Hundred Islands was also the comfort rooms. We really struggled to clean ourselves because the CRs did not have water! Imagine that! We fall in line, paid for 10 bucks and cleaned our bodies with leftover water from the drums. Haay… we left at 7 pm there.

We had our dinner at Chowking and headed home. I thought we would be home at midnight but it took us another 6 hours to finally get home. And we almost got lost because our “timon”, arnel was so busy playing Eilron’s PSP instead of directing our driver (who I think has a directionality problem…hehe). We almost passed by two towns that would bring us back to Pangasinan instead of heading us back to Manila. So I didn’t have a choice but to transfer to the front seat and guide our driver. I was really feeling nervous then that something bad might happen so I prayed to have few more energy just to stay awake and bring my friends safely back home.

Thank God we reached San Mateo at 2am.
I Thank Daddy Jess for this treasured experience. I really enjoyed it and would go back to it over and over again. I am praying that there will be more of these in the years to come, hopefully more Silang could join then.

I LOVE YOU SILANG!!!!!

Bolinao Trip Itinerary

ITINERARY FOR BOLINAO PANGASINAN TRIP
May 1-2, 2009
Budget: P1,200 each
Group Budget: P 15,600 (breakdown below)
P 6,000- van, gas, driver c/o jayson (thanks rivera!)
P 4,000- accommodation (Inn)
P 2,000- Hundred Islands Boat rent and Patar Beach cottage rent (estimate)
P 2,000- food allowance (Dinner and Lunch)
P 1,600- extra money

MAY 1: (afternoon)
11:00 am-12:00 nn: assembly at Phnas’ residence (walang late!!! May batok ang late)
LUNCH kila Phnas (kung libre…still thinking about it..haha)
(Phnas, Ael and Kiko, Shai, Jayson, Yam, Eilron, Pol, Nas, Jeng and Liz, Arnel)

12:00-1:00pm: sundo kay nica at SM North Edsa (special kid kasi..love you nicapot!)

1:00pm- 6:00 pm: byahe!!!! Zzzzzzz (chika-chika) init!!!!!

6:00pm-7:00pm: Bolinao Town Proper
Go to market to buy food and stuff that we’ll be needing
Ask around for the boat ride to hundred islands hopping

8:00 pm: Check-in at Rock Garden Resort
DINNER

9:00-11:00pm: Relax, Swim if you want (P75 per person)
SLEEP!!! zzzzzz

MAY 2:
4:30 am: Wake up call, prepare things for “Bolinao Tour” (sorry super aga, saying kasi ang time!)

5:00 am: BREAKFAST

5:30 am-11am: departure
BOLINAO TOUR
(Hundred Islands, Patar Beach, Caves)

11:00-12:00 nn: Ligo and check out sa Rock Garden Beach Resort

1:00pm-3:00pm: *Lighthouse, Cape Bolinao, Church and UP Marine (If we have time)

4:00pm Uwian na! zzzzzz ulit!

7:00 pm: DINNER on our way home

* order or places to visit could change ah

IMPORTANT reminders:
1. PACK LIGHT! (ouchy! I’m not gonna bring my infamous maleta na to save space!! Ahahaha!). No seriously, kasi we are not at the Inn all the time so make sure that your stuff won’t be a hassle. Just make sure to bring extra clothes, sun block, water, extra money in case you need it and cameras ofcourse!). Bring card and board games and music as well.
2. BRING YOUR COMFORT FOOD AND PERSONAL SNACKS. If you did notice, we are not bringing food (sorry, no time to think about it pa…). To avoid the last year’s “starving-can’t find a fast food- no snacks at the van-incident”, let’s make sure na we have extra foodies for yourself at least na dapat ding ishare to everybody!..haha)
3. GET READY FOR AN ADVENTURE: Let’s be cowboys for a few days. Honestly, I am not sure about the places we are going to explore. But don’t worry, we’ll find our ways (we could always use our charms to ask around manongs of the town! Hihi!). Please walang iinit ang ulo in case magkanda ligaw ligaw tayo! Peace….
4. PLEASE PRAY FOR A SAFE TRIP AND PERFECT WEATHER. (no more explanation for these two).
5. ALWAYS CONTACT ME… (just to make sure everything will go the way we planned it…and please just bear with my ka OC han!)

*hugs*
See yah! So excited!

i'll be back soon...

hello! i missed this sooo much! writing....

unexpected things happened...
a lot of it...
i lost some.. i gained more..
a BIG Thanks to Daddy Jess..
He still knows how to make me happy...
despite of and inspite of...

i would like to write again...
to do what i love to do...
now that i have all the time in the world...
to think...

Current Status: In Hiatus!
Super busy!!!! But happy!!!
Great news!: Mike’s out of the hospital na!!
I m registered for December’s NMAT sched.
I am enrolling for this second sem to finish the required
subjects for med.

• I want to write books

• I want to sew dresses

• I want to put up a small organization where I can teach unprivileged kids to read

• I hope I am rich, not for the money, but for the reason that I know I can do much much more if I do have enough resources.

Roller Coaster of Emotions

Have you been to a situation wherein you wished something have stopped but you weren’t sure how would you be like after that happened? You wanted it to end as quickly as possible but you were sure you’d be at lost, morose, pathetic.

Honestly, I don’t know what I covet to prevent, but I am sure there is something. It makes me crazy, figuratively. I can’t even tell myself why, what’s going on inside my head, my heart, my body, or maybe my soul could be included. Tell me it sucks, right? You are living in a clueless world, all uncertain, all things you do without any rationale at all. You are suspended, hanged, you don’t even know how to get to the other end of the cut bridge. Falling, dropping, pulled by gravity, you are not in control, but you want to hold on because you’d rather choose to live like this than to live in improbability. Does this make sense? Well, at least yes for me.

All I know is I’m tired, maybe of everything. Don’t get me wrong, ok. It’s not my meaning to sound in the depths of despair or with nothing to live for or something. But it’s just like that. This could all be nonsense babbles. Maybe. It’s therapeutic, so I won’t care whatever you think. (ok, that doesn’t sound like me talking)

Pain.
I think I am gradually losing the feeling of comfort with her. It feels like being around her doesn’t seem like I am within my sanctuary anymore. I know she listens, but she doesn’t understand. Maybe, it’s just that she has a lot things going on with her, I don’t know. I hope it’s just like that. When I talk to her or give her advice, I felt like a religious lecturer giving her thoughts about life, rather than a long time friend. It doesn’t feel like me telling her to do this because I think it will help her, friend to friend palavers. It’s not like that anymore. The wordless days between us hurt me, so much. There are times that I doubt myself if I can still disclose the real me to her, no reservations, no what- ifs, with no judgment at all. Are we losing us?

Mess.
Plans. Schedules. Organizers. Time frame. Distractions. Temptations. Giving in. Stupidity. Qualms. Lost time. Lost effort. Lost faith. Regrets. Melancholy. Moving on, but still a mess. Definition of me, now.

Uncertainty.
This is my mortal enemy. It bugs me all the time, everywhere. It makes me inattentive to the people, blessings, opportunities around me, hence preventing me to live a life. I know it’s been discussed, way overdone, but it has this certain attraction that drags me towards it effortlessly. Career, relationships, purpose, home, community, promises, faith, fate, ALL uncertain. Where I am headed, what will I do? I am not sure…

Aspirations.
God has given me so much ability, some I just put aside, some I wasn’t even aware was there, some I didn’t have the guts to recognize, some I am boastful about (in a good way), some I just deal with as if everyone could have it so easily, like we are all born with it. I was uncaring at all. I search tenaciously, unending search of my purpose here. I try very hard to explore where I am supposed to be headed, so I’d come prepared. I try to be patient as well, but sadly, it’s not getting me anywhere. It is because subconsciously it’s spelled out already for me, a very long time ago. I kept on searching unremittingly because I am hoping, somehow, the path would curl, and it would give up transgressing obediently within the trail made for it. I would be in control and what’s planned would change, headed towards the course I want. But what if He is more stubborn than me, like a stanch parent to His child?

I need unswerving patience. I will wait.
I need adequate amount of time to think, to feel, to wallow, to understand. I will wait.
I need to be filled with so so so much love. I will wait.
I need to learn how to trust. I will give myself time.
I need to understand that not all things come as one. I will understand.
I need to be content and not wanting. I will try.
I need to disown everyone and everything. I will try.
I need to have faith to realize all these things. I will rely on His faith in me.

I feel best when…I’ve adhered to my weekly schedule effectively.
No one but me knows… that I want to be a *toooooot*…secret!
When it’s rainy I … often get lonesome and useless.
My favorite activity… would be engaging myself in different kinds of sports.
On weekends I like to … sleep a lot, pig out, watch endlessly and read.
When I’m bored… I hate myself.
Sometimes I like to… daydream about my future life.
If only my teacher… didn’t spread my “embarrassing stupidity” back in high school.
The best time I ever had … was when me, my daddy and mama went to Star City when I was a kid.
Something strange that I saw … was a nude and drunk guy on the driver seat at 6 am at the rear gate of UST. *shocking!*
What I dislike most about school… status in life somehow dictates the quality of education a child could get
When I first wake up … I check my phone, plug in the tv for news and do my personal morning routines.
I was really embarrassed … when I bawled during my valedictory speech in front of teachers, parents, and batch mates.
I’m glad my best friend … didn’t have a romantic love towards me.
It makes me tired when … after a long exhausting day, I don’t have something to look forward to, to release my stress.
When I am grouchy … I eat sinful foods, cry and sleep early.
At times I’d like to … to be a typical someone.
A friend would not … judge you for what you’ve done, either good or bad.
I wish my parents … met at the right time.
Having a pet… is one of the few things I haven’t done.
I really enjoy … out of town trips, traveling and nature tripping.
If I had three wishes … it would be to fulfill my dreams for my mama, kuya and myself, to have a wonderful family in the future and to be happy always.
Playing games … give me confidence.
What really drives me crazy … are breads, books and dvd series, magazines, recipe books, sewing, my students, how unrated the teachers are, kalbo and stocky guys
When I’m older … I’ll be a good mom, a loving wife, a more mature and more responsible Christian, a successful doctor, a traveler and still a teacher.
Homework … thank God, I don’t have it now.
What I like most about myself … is I forgive me.
I can best be described as … Juday look a like???? Waaaahhhh!!!!!!
Something that makes me laugh … are the things people consider as not funny.
I get angry when … I don’t know… seriously.

The Gentleman Player

It was the first time that this girl had ever known that something called love. It didn’t start as an infatuation, like it usually does in common love stories. This was something let us say magical. Yes, even at a young age of 10, she understood how the magic of love could change how she saw things.

It was a typical afternoon in the field. After school hour at around 5 pm, this was the time when coaches and players would rush in the quadrangle to practice. Girls and boys and sometimes gays were also there to see their crushes play. This time was one of the most exciting times of the day for her, aside from recess and lunch times. She was not one of the on lookers. She was the one playing volleyball in the field. The sport she never had an interest at first. She was just compelled to join because she was one of the big girls in the room who the coach hand picked because she thought she would be of help in the court, having an extra weight and height, she could intimidate the opponents. But it was never like that because she was not an ace player, never born to be one. She was satisfied sitting on the bench during actual games, though she was a little bit ashamed of it especially when people call her water girl. But it didn’t matter. She didn’t wish to be in that situation in the first place, so not affected at all. And who cared anyway?

District meet was nearing so all volleyball players, girls and boys, were double timing in practicing. That particular afternoon, she was feeling so bad. Her services were not good; her performance was a justification that she would not be better than a bench player. She couldn’t get her groove while everyone was playing well. She was losing the little confidence she had. Then, he approached her and helped her out. He got the ball and smoothly showed her how to properly receive as well as to return it. He talked like an expert. It was obvious he knew his craft and was very good at it. He gave instruction as if it was so uncomplicated. He made volleyball so easy. She couldn’t remember if it was only her he was teaching or the rest of the team. He looked so handsome, and that’s what mattered. Surprisingly, it seemed weird. She was seeing him every single school day, being in the same section for the last five years, but it was just that day that he began to exist in her world. That day had changed a lot of things in her life. This gave her a reason to be early in school everyday, to try to look prim and proper all the time, to get higher grades and aim for top position in the classroom. Every glimpse, every conversation, every exchange of papers during exams, every time they seated on the same row, every time he gave compliments and congratulations, everything started to be meaningful all of a sudden. She was inspired. She had a crush, a real one. She made “kulot” as his code name so she could talk about him unreservedly with her best friend. He made her school days perfect all the time. He never knew, though his friends noticed. And it ended like that, just like that, but she was happy because she was in love.

Another four years passed. He continued to be this talented-star-player-awed-by-many type of student. Though they went to the same school, all she could do was to stare at him from afar. She’d always want to approach him and say hi, but she never had the guts to do it. She was sure she’ll be dumb struck by his presence. She hated it that he was growing up as a good looking guy. More and more, she was losing hope that he would notice her. Every time she’d go to school earlier, seeing him was a big marvel for her. Their lives were so different, she was striving to be an excellent student, and he was making a name for himself as a viable player. They had different priorities.

One day, she felt she died when she found out he was involved with someone, someone prettier than her. That was like a bullet perfectly aimed at her heart. There were endless crying nights and pathetic moments. It made her insecure and made her question what was wrong with her. It seemed that whatever she worked hard for was meaningless. She lost hope that love really exists. It was her dream to be with him. More friends knew about this. They tried to console her, to cheer her up and to make her realize that she could move on. But they were all wrong. Her heart was the most stubborn heart in the world. She loved him. That’s what mattered. She would wait and selfishly wished that he’d be single again, but it didn’t happen. He was a great guy inside and outside the court. That made her more in loved with him.

When would she move on? That was her sole question. She wanted to stop dreaming that he’s the man with whom she’s going to spend the rest of her life with. More than a decade of loving him was too much to bear. She wanted the hope to leave her alone, but it’s as stubborn as her.

If there’s one thing she learned from this, it is that in high school, love may not be forever.

decisions made

These past few days, I’ve been thinking a lot about some matters.

First, did I make the right decision to let us be “normal friends” again like we used to? I know once I over stepped, things would not be the same. And I am sticking to my decision just to let it go because I stand in what I believe in. When it comes to God, anything becomes non- negotiable. I am happy because I know my Daddy Jess has better plans for me. He will come, in time. And when that time comes, I’ll be one of the happiest ladies in the world. We will grow together in faith.

Secondly, my friend Mike is still in the hospital, fighting his cancer. He had gone to ICU and operation to take out the fluids in his body. We know that he will overcome this trial. He is a living testimony that God really works in mysterious ways and there are really miracles in life. He is a survivor, we are with him in this battle, I am with him. When I pray for him, I can’t help but to cry a lot. I want him to survive this. We still have so many plans once he get out of the hospital and things become as they used to be. I keep on telling him that I am so excited to see him out and healthy again because it will be another life, a renewed life for him. I know Mike will come out as a better man. God is merciful, nothing is impossible to Him and we claim that Mike will be healed. I love you Mike. We all love you sooooo much!!!!! I wish I can spend more time with you in the hospital but I will never stop praying for you, together with our block mates. God is good. Life is beautiful. You keep on thanking us and telling us how happy you are because we are with you. But it is us that are so proud of you, your heart and faith that keep on giving you strength. We love you Mike!

Third, I know it would come to this point that I would regret or maybe feel sad at least about the things, feelings and people I let go in the past. When I heard that he’s back with her, I think, I was kind of asking myself, why am I affected? Well…. It happened already, I can’t do anything about it anymore. Thank God I am happy.