decisions made

These past few days, I’ve been thinking a lot about some matters.

First, did I make the right decision to let us be “normal friends” again like we used to? I know once I over stepped, things would not be the same. And I am sticking to my decision just to let it go because I stand in what I believe in. When it comes to God, anything becomes non- negotiable. I am happy because I know my Daddy Jess has better plans for me. He will come, in time. And when that time comes, I’ll be one of the happiest ladies in the world. We will grow together in faith.

Secondly, my friend Mike is still in the hospital, fighting his cancer. He had gone to ICU and operation to take out the fluids in his body. We know that he will overcome this trial. He is a living testimony that God really works in mysterious ways and there are really miracles in life. He is a survivor, we are with him in this battle, I am with him. When I pray for him, I can’t help but to cry a lot. I want him to survive this. We still have so many plans once he get out of the hospital and things become as they used to be. I keep on telling him that I am so excited to see him out and healthy again because it will be another life, a renewed life for him. I know Mike will come out as a better man. God is merciful, nothing is impossible to Him and we claim that Mike will be healed. I love you Mike. We all love you sooooo much!!!!! I wish I can spend more time with you in the hospital but I will never stop praying for you, together with our block mates. God is good. Life is beautiful. You keep on thanking us and telling us how happy you are because we are with you. But it is us that are so proud of you, your heart and faith that keep on giving you strength. We love you Mike!

Third, I know it would come to this point that I would regret or maybe feel sad at least about the things, feelings and people I let go in the past. When I heard that he’s back with her, I think, I was kind of asking myself, why am I affected? Well…. It happened already, I can’t do anything about it anymore. Thank God I am happy.

Goodbye for now, Ketsy... see you again... I am going to miss you a LOT!!!

She’s been a constant companion to me, in school and more in community. When I found out that she’s going to teach abroad, several things went off in my mind. Questions like, who will I seek advice from regarding my personal problems? Who will persevere to invite me to attend the prayer meetings on Friday nights, whenever I feel so lazy and tempted to go out with friends instead of going to the community? Who will cheer me up when I find myself crying all the time? She’s been the sister that I never had… So knowing that she’ll be going, it’s kind of tearing a piece of what I have become because of her. I fear that I would go back to who I was before I met her. The Phnas that was so introvert, so self- centered, a cry baby, and easily depressed. Things might become haywire again.

Tomorrow, she’s gonna leave for States. I spent the last two days with her. I chose to sleep over in her place than going to my Saturday classes. Yesterday, we had a picnic with her. I told her, it’s not her parting that brings me down because I know she’ll always be there for me no matter what. It’s more of being so scared what would happen to me when she’s not physically beside me.

I know that this might just be a test from God, whether if I will make it on my own. I hope I will not fail Him.

It’s true pala na when someone goes, someone comes…again.. Yesterday, I got a surprised call from Keita’s aunt and she told me that Keita didn’t leave the country because his visa wasn’t approved. And I was able to talk to him! Imagine that! And I might just be counting few more days before I get to see him again!...Haaay… God is Great! As always!

Lately
By: Phnas
Finished on July 7, 2008


Lately, life’s not easy between you and me
Lately, I got lost, chose the wrong path almost
I needed time, wanted to do some things
Trying to get away from regularity
I was happy outside, I know I was
Trying out what it’s like without you by my side

But the feeling didn’t last
I’ve realized, I really need you in my life

CHORUS:

Another chance is all I’m asking
Please make myself complete again
Bring me to life, bring back the pain
But this time, I am sure I can make it through
Because you are with me

Lately I was broken, but now I am whole again
Because you are here.
Because you love me.

I used to question my friends why couples, regardless of age, suddenly become silly, babyish, immature, and things like that when they talk to their partners. I see it with my brother and his girlfriend, with my co-teachers and close friends (no offense! haha). It was an issue for me, because my perception of being into a relationship is for the two people to become maturer, in terms of the things they talk about, what they do, how they deal with their emotions and concerns, and how to fight for their relationship for it to last, etc. But, i think i overlooked it. I was trapped within the notion that courting for "older" people MUST be serious and mature ALL THE TIME. I stand corrected... well...

What they said was true, that "Phnas, you wouldn't get it, unless you're in that exact situation". Siguro nga....

Enjoy. Weird. Funny in a way. Highschoolish. Kilig.

My third year of teaching started heavily. I think not only for me, but for my co-teachers as well. Things have changed a lot…as in a lot! People, responsibilities, workplace, relationships and i think also me? maybe.

Before the school year started, i had high hopes that this would be my greatest and happiest teaching year, being my last year of stay in Wordlab, but it seems like, it'd be difficult to realize that now. Sad.

Good thing is, i still have my boys... thank you God!

Thank you for making me smile in the morning when I wake up…and not letting my day ends without a happy heart…

In the Shadows of Tears
June 6, 2008
9:35- 10:06am

I remembered those days, when we were together
When we sat back and just laughed, over the same things
Everything was still, everything was still….
But time passes and life changes
The old “us” is now dying away…

CHORUS:
They are leaving me in the shadows of tears
Crying alone, no trusting hands to hold on to
I remain constant where I am
They’re all gone, they’re all gone
Where would I go?
How would I start, living again?
When would I stop, waiting….?

I bow my head in prayer that they’ll all be okay
Lift up everything, sorrows and anger
Help me to accept this selflessly
Don’t feel sorry for my choice to stay
And be happy where they are going
In new places they all call home

Someday we’ll meet again, just like the old times
Fixing the broken pieces left by the aches
I will still be here, happy to welcome you back
To the home where we all grew up

I Will Be Here

By Phnas: March 25, 2008

1:20 am

Under the clear sky

Beneath the still stars

A song was made

An endless story of you and me

CHORUS:

When I hear the music playing

Melodies being sung

I remember you, the promise I made

I will be here, us, together, forever

The words tell the story of a promise

The melody, like a shelter that gives comfort

Unspoken care, you relentlessly keep within you

I want to tell you, I miss you and

I am just here, I will be here, forever

In a different time, in a different place

We will not be the same persons we both used to know

Lots of things could have changed

But a promise made out of love and care

Will be in us forever until the end of time

I missed blogging!

Yes, it’s been a while, and I truly missed writing in my blog. So many things happened in the span of more or less than a month. Here’s a quick review:

(not in particular order)

Personal life

1. I am still single… but there’s more story to it…to be discussed next time.
2. I still don’t know how to start being a daughter again to my daddy
3. I am happy though…. But I’ve been prancing around in a particular level of happiness for a while now…I am not yet happier

Spiritual Life

1. I’m in a crisis right now. The high feeling has surpassed after the retreat and I am again being dragged down to my old ways.
2. the shepherding is not that working for me, because I resist. I don’t know if this is for me.

Social Life

1. our Zambales trip pushed thru and it was super successful. So many unforgettable and fun memories were laid up.
2. I miss my bes.

Career

1. I’m excited for the coming school year because first, I will see my kids again, second there will be new teachers and I will be the ate and third, I love the workplace more.

Future Plans:

1. NMAT review is ongoing.
2. planning to take MT courses for future needs

yesterday was such an inspiring day and an eye opener! seeing those kids with cancer enjoying the games, the balloons, the magic show, the food and the prayers..despite what they and their parents are going through...haaay...i can't stop thanking Daddy Jess for blessing me with good health and better life.