When I was renewed, I knew then that God wanted me to forgive my daddy. And I did. Talking about my family’s imperfection never embarrassed me nor made me feel like less of a person. On the contrary, it sculpted me to become who I am now.

It made me cry and made me question a lot of things, of course. But I couldn’t find the answers from my mom, my brother and from everybody else around me, because this was never the topic of our discussions in the house. It was not really a taboo, but it turned out to be something like that, or maybe we just really didn’t care.

I thought, I should have felt so sorry for myself, but before it gets to that point, God saved me from being like that. Eventually, He made me get through this stage of curiosity and madness smoothly, and before I knew it, I have let go.

I know my daddy loves me so much. He never fails to say the line “You’re my only daughter in this world” with pride, every time I see him. I know I am hurting him more when I intentionally don’t see him on my free days. It pains me as well, because I know I don’t have that same daughterly love I used to have for him when I was his little girl.

Things have changed since I’ve realized the truth about me and my daddy.

Now, I feel guilty whenever I do see him.

My search isn’t over yet, it hasn’t really started. But I know, someday, God will provide answers to my prayers and things will be clearer. I hope, when that time comes, everything would be easier to accept and he would understand.