The Football Match: Phnas vs. Paolino

I’m a sport- loving person. Though, I don’t play as often as I used to, it’s still in my heart, and the drive to learn new kinds of games is still in me. I love the adrenalin! I love learning new skills! But I think I can’t include it yet in my schedule…not yet… so for now…what I do is…I play those games with my students! Haha…but of course.. it was never a competitive game but only complete fun! Imagine that! (kainis! I need to make them win always..or else they would hate playing with me again and would even cry if I win…hehe).

So, last Saturday, I needed to meet up with Paolino for an extra hour. Since we only had to do reading, spelling and post- comprehension activities, that one hour was more than enough to play football in our conference room. Grabe! He’s the expert on this one so it turned out to be a basic skills training in football for teacher Phnas. In fairness! He’s a good coach…and I was stunned with what a 10- year old could do. Galing! So funny, that I was so into it, that when he was finishing his spelling and reading, where am I? I was practicing my “kicks”, trying to practice making a goal. (The goals were two mono block chairs…how cute could it be?).

That football game was SOOOO COOL!!!!

When things get in order, I will make time to learn how to play this sport..but that time..it will be the real game!

The Retreat

Spiritually I’ve been refreshed this weekend. I spent one night and one day in a retreat house in Cenacle, Katipunan together with other five community members, rye, peter, Pauline, garet and lynette. The retreat was great. I’ve been telling Kets that it was really an eye opener for me, because God reminded me again where am I spiritually. I admit it that I’m in my down nowadays, I’ve been failing to do my part as a Christian, I ignored my resonsibilities for so many times and made excuses so I would be pushed not to do them. It was my fault, I let temptations and hindrances impede me in doing these commitments I once made. With this retreat, I knew He already forgave me and is giving me another chance to recommit myself and correct the mistakes that I keep on doing that was caused by my faltering faith. God is great! He is a forgiving God! I know He never judged me in whatever way…and I am sure this time, He will help me conquer my weaknesses and that He will help me find refuge to overcome this struggle.

To be honest, talking about this part of my life is a risk for me because I don’t know if my friends and the people who know me would say something about this or anything like that. I demand that you suspend your judgment first. I hope you would join me in my journey as I discover Christ, our God, whom I personally call Daddy Jess!

So as I was speaking, that retreat was kind of short but that night and day were enough for me to accomplish my goal of going there, and that was to know what I could do. I was helpless, I admitted that I could not move forward spiritually unless I accept it that I could not do it on my own, that I need help. I had my peaks and my troughs, and still they weren’t enough to provide motivation and strength on my part.

I surely missed those times that I easily found peace in my heart and my mind in anytime I needed to. I haven’t experienced that for a long time until this weekend. I missed those times with Him. Kaya I was really happy that I was able to give my whole day just for Him and to update Him on what is going on with me. And it felt amazing!

I thank God for the gift of community and friends! I don’t want to imagine how my life would be like without them. I have found my new home! And I pray that you will too…

Don’t stop loving God! Don’t stop loving life! Don’t stop finding happiness! *hugs*

Sometimes, I feel that I’m dumb! Hehe.. well I am not ashamed of it because I think I really am, in so many instances, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I’d rather ask or admit I don’t know something and feel like a fool for few minutes than pretend, so I won’t be ignorant in people’s eyes and then be a fool forever? No Way!

I am not very well versed with words. I am not an eloquent speaker. I am not a walking- breathing dictionary. I don’t speak with twang. I can’t finish a book in one sitting. My level of appreciation is weird. I can’t retell a story or a movie properly and in detail. I can’t recall the characters and their lines. I think in a disorganized manner, my thoughts are disarray. I don’t really know a lot of famous and important personas in the world. I can’t remember lyrics; I have my own lyrics when I sing. I am not a technical person. I give tangential answers to questions. I can’t remember names. And so on and so forth… things that I am not knowledgeable about, things that I am not good in doing. But, it’s so funny that I feel okay with that, because I know admitting that I don’t know something and I can’t do something make me so imperfect. And I have reasons to learn more.

Now I wonder how, why do people deem that I am smart….that they actually believe that?..hehe

But seriously, it’s so humbling to admit that I am really an imperfect being in many ways…

Loving You Now...

There’s a reason to smile

For my heart to leap up and shout

Just remembering the past

Thinking and feeling there was something in us

We remained good pals

Throughout the years you were with another friend

I was happy for you and forgot what could have been

I thought everything ended because I was letting go

Still there are times that I come to think

I used to wonder how we could be like

You and I together, would it work out?

If I give another chance to feelings forgotten

Would it be fair to start loving you now?

Saturation Point

Sometimes if you feel it’s too much already, you have to drop everything that you do and find time to think and be useless for a while. I’ve been struggling for the past weeks. One day I feel so okay then suddenly something would happen that would turn my mood and disposition 180 degrees. Darn! And today is the saturation point of everything, that’s why I stopped. I took a leave and went home. It wasn’t planned. I just felt I badly needed it. I followed what my heart and my mind are demanding. I know this will make me feel better and make me forget…I know because it always does.

• My co-teacher Beepsie lost his brother because of a cardiac attack. I really feel sorry for her. I pray that she’ll go through this with faith and courage, but I know no matter what I’d say, it’d still be not enough to make her feel better.

• I couldn’t make things better for me, my dad and step brothers. I want them to know how I am, what I do. I want to know how they are and what they do. I haven’t started trying, pero I feel tired already. It’s crushing me…

• The first time I was able to have a serious conversation with paolino (my favorite student whom I call “my little prince”).

Pao: You know what, I’m the dumbest boy in our class

Phnas: Don’t say that pao, that’s not true.

Pao: No, it is! I get low grades, and oh eto (as he stared to the ceiling, his mannerism when he talks to me)…uhhmm… how come I can’t read. My classmates they all can. They don’t need to review for a long time for a quiz. Me, I do but I still get low grades.

Phnas: Let’s just put it this way, all of you have different ways to learn. You learn differently from them. Even if you can’t read fast, that doesn’t mean you are not smart.

(this 10-year old boy, as I see him, is a “maparaan” na kid, he can get away with things, he has his way…I can sit down with him and talk endlessly….I loooove talking to him)

Phnas: Paolino, did you get me? You are not dumb. You, being here is one of your ways of learning. I teach you how to read, to spell and to understand more.

Pao: Oh, I have a joke!!! (syempre, tangential ang sagot, serious nga tayo pao eh, eto na naman tayo sa classic Paolino joke mo! Hehe)

(this is one of the things I love about my little prince, he tells jokes, pero he doesn’t know that paulit-ulit lang ang jokes niya, pero I don’t make him feel na I’ve heard them before. But it was not what he says, but how he says that makes me laugh).

Pao: What do you call this? (he was doing his posit joke..you know, “what’s the opposite of posit? Answer: opposite?)

Pero how come…?

Phnas: How come what? (Oh we’re back on track)

Pao: When I was in prep (he looked again to the ceiling), I was solving math, how come I got it correctly even if I didn’t know how to read the direction, that my teacher read to me pa?

Phnas: Oh see! I told you, you are smart, because you knew what to do at that time, you did not need anybody’s help in that particular time to be able to solve the problem.

Pao: Eh kasi I saw the minus sign, that’s why I subtracted it.

But that’s okay, as long as I pass, I don’t care if I get a C or D as long as I pass. (then he smiled).

I wish it’s that easy o be contented, to be happy and to bring happiness. I wish that I could have the heart of a child forever, so it’s easy to forget and move one.

• Last Saturday, Gabby couldn’t stay seated and couldn’t stop moving.

Phnas: Gabby what’s wrong

Gabby: (holding his lips) mmmmmm…

(suddenly…)

Oh my gosh!

(He just lost a tooth, and throughout the two-hour session, he was biting cotton with blood…eewww…pero I saw no reaction…. He wasn’t hurt, he didn’t panic, it was like, wala lang)

Ang sarap maging manhid in times when you are supposed to feel hurt…

• Last night, I couldn’t stop crying. I just needed to cry. I felt tired doing what I am doing. ON my way to my apartment, while walking on the street, I couldn’t hold my tears from falling, I was supposed to go home but I got home late from the wake. I felt so guilty I wasn’t able to attend community as I had promised. I felt sad that I didn’t see my community friends. I called Kets and I said sorry.