Roller Coaster of Emotions

Have you been to a situation wherein you wished something have stopped but you weren’t sure how would you be like after that happened? You wanted it to end as quickly as possible but you were sure you’d be at lost, morose, pathetic.

Honestly, I don’t know what I covet to prevent, but I am sure there is something. It makes me crazy, figuratively. I can’t even tell myself why, what’s going on inside my head, my heart, my body, or maybe my soul could be included. Tell me it sucks, right? You are living in a clueless world, all uncertain, all things you do without any rationale at all. You are suspended, hanged, you don’t even know how to get to the other end of the cut bridge. Falling, dropping, pulled by gravity, you are not in control, but you want to hold on because you’d rather choose to live like this than to live in improbability. Does this make sense? Well, at least yes for me.

All I know is I’m tired, maybe of everything. Don’t get me wrong, ok. It’s not my meaning to sound in the depths of despair or with nothing to live for or something. But it’s just like that. This could all be nonsense babbles. Maybe. It’s therapeutic, so I won’t care whatever you think. (ok, that doesn’t sound like me talking)

Pain.
I think I am gradually losing the feeling of comfort with her. It feels like being around her doesn’t seem like I am within my sanctuary anymore. I know she listens, but she doesn’t understand. Maybe, it’s just that she has a lot things going on with her, I don’t know. I hope it’s just like that. When I talk to her or give her advice, I felt like a religious lecturer giving her thoughts about life, rather than a long time friend. It doesn’t feel like me telling her to do this because I think it will help her, friend to friend palavers. It’s not like that anymore. The wordless days between us hurt me, so much. There are times that I doubt myself if I can still disclose the real me to her, no reservations, no what- ifs, with no judgment at all. Are we losing us?

Mess.
Plans. Schedules. Organizers. Time frame. Distractions. Temptations. Giving in. Stupidity. Qualms. Lost time. Lost effort. Lost faith. Regrets. Melancholy. Moving on, but still a mess. Definition of me, now.

Uncertainty.
This is my mortal enemy. It bugs me all the time, everywhere. It makes me inattentive to the people, blessings, opportunities around me, hence preventing me to live a life. I know it’s been discussed, way overdone, but it has this certain attraction that drags me towards it effortlessly. Career, relationships, purpose, home, community, promises, faith, fate, ALL uncertain. Where I am headed, what will I do? I am not sure…

Aspirations.
God has given me so much ability, some I just put aside, some I wasn’t even aware was there, some I didn’t have the guts to recognize, some I am boastful about (in a good way), some I just deal with as if everyone could have it so easily, like we are all born with it. I was uncaring at all. I search tenaciously, unending search of my purpose here. I try very hard to explore where I am supposed to be headed, so I’d come prepared. I try to be patient as well, but sadly, it’s not getting me anywhere. It is because subconsciously it’s spelled out already for me, a very long time ago. I kept on searching unremittingly because I am hoping, somehow, the path would curl, and it would give up transgressing obediently within the trail made for it. I would be in control and what’s planned would change, headed towards the course I want. But what if He is more stubborn than me, like a stanch parent to His child?

I need unswerving patience. I will wait.
I need adequate amount of time to think, to feel, to wallow, to understand. I will wait.
I need to be filled with so so so much love. I will wait.
I need to learn how to trust. I will give myself time.
I need to understand that not all things come as one. I will understand.
I need to be content and not wanting. I will try.
I need to disown everyone and everything. I will try.
I need to have faith to realize all these things. I will rely on His faith in me.