Current Status: In Hiatus!
Super busy!!!! But happy!!!
Great news!: Mike’s out of the hospital na!!
I m registered for December’s NMAT sched.
I am enrolling for this second sem to finish the required
subjects for med.

• I want to write books

• I want to sew dresses

• I want to put up a small organization where I can teach unprivileged kids to read

• I hope I am rich, not for the money, but for the reason that I know I can do much much more if I do have enough resources.

Roller Coaster of Emotions

Have you been to a situation wherein you wished something have stopped but you weren’t sure how would you be like after that happened? You wanted it to end as quickly as possible but you were sure you’d be at lost, morose, pathetic.

Honestly, I don’t know what I covet to prevent, but I am sure there is something. It makes me crazy, figuratively. I can’t even tell myself why, what’s going on inside my head, my heart, my body, or maybe my soul could be included. Tell me it sucks, right? You are living in a clueless world, all uncertain, all things you do without any rationale at all. You are suspended, hanged, you don’t even know how to get to the other end of the cut bridge. Falling, dropping, pulled by gravity, you are not in control, but you want to hold on because you’d rather choose to live like this than to live in improbability. Does this make sense? Well, at least yes for me.

All I know is I’m tired, maybe of everything. Don’t get me wrong, ok. It’s not my meaning to sound in the depths of despair or with nothing to live for or something. But it’s just like that. This could all be nonsense babbles. Maybe. It’s therapeutic, so I won’t care whatever you think. (ok, that doesn’t sound like me talking)

Pain.
I think I am gradually losing the feeling of comfort with her. It feels like being around her doesn’t seem like I am within my sanctuary anymore. I know she listens, but she doesn’t understand. Maybe, it’s just that she has a lot things going on with her, I don’t know. I hope it’s just like that. When I talk to her or give her advice, I felt like a religious lecturer giving her thoughts about life, rather than a long time friend. It doesn’t feel like me telling her to do this because I think it will help her, friend to friend palavers. It’s not like that anymore. The wordless days between us hurt me, so much. There are times that I doubt myself if I can still disclose the real me to her, no reservations, no what- ifs, with no judgment at all. Are we losing us?

Mess.
Plans. Schedules. Organizers. Time frame. Distractions. Temptations. Giving in. Stupidity. Qualms. Lost time. Lost effort. Lost faith. Regrets. Melancholy. Moving on, but still a mess. Definition of me, now.

Uncertainty.
This is my mortal enemy. It bugs me all the time, everywhere. It makes me inattentive to the people, blessings, opportunities around me, hence preventing me to live a life. I know it’s been discussed, way overdone, but it has this certain attraction that drags me towards it effortlessly. Career, relationships, purpose, home, community, promises, faith, fate, ALL uncertain. Where I am headed, what will I do? I am not sure…

Aspirations.
God has given me so much ability, some I just put aside, some I wasn’t even aware was there, some I didn’t have the guts to recognize, some I am boastful about (in a good way), some I just deal with as if everyone could have it so easily, like we are all born with it. I was uncaring at all. I search tenaciously, unending search of my purpose here. I try very hard to explore where I am supposed to be headed, so I’d come prepared. I try to be patient as well, but sadly, it’s not getting me anywhere. It is because subconsciously it’s spelled out already for me, a very long time ago. I kept on searching unremittingly because I am hoping, somehow, the path would curl, and it would give up transgressing obediently within the trail made for it. I would be in control and what’s planned would change, headed towards the course I want. But what if He is more stubborn than me, like a stanch parent to His child?

I need unswerving patience. I will wait.
I need adequate amount of time to think, to feel, to wallow, to understand. I will wait.
I need to be filled with so so so much love. I will wait.
I need to learn how to trust. I will give myself time.
I need to understand that not all things come as one. I will understand.
I need to be content and not wanting. I will try.
I need to disown everyone and everything. I will try.
I need to have faith to realize all these things. I will rely on His faith in me.

I feel best when…I’ve adhered to my weekly schedule effectively.
No one but me knows… that I want to be a *toooooot*…secret!
When it’s rainy I … often get lonesome and useless.
My favorite activity… would be engaging myself in different kinds of sports.
On weekends I like to … sleep a lot, pig out, watch endlessly and read.
When I’m bored… I hate myself.
Sometimes I like to… daydream about my future life.
If only my teacher… didn’t spread my “embarrassing stupidity” back in high school.
The best time I ever had … was when me, my daddy and mama went to Star City when I was a kid.
Something strange that I saw … was a nude and drunk guy on the driver seat at 6 am at the rear gate of UST. *shocking!*
What I dislike most about school… status in life somehow dictates the quality of education a child could get
When I first wake up … I check my phone, plug in the tv for news and do my personal morning routines.
I was really embarrassed … when I bawled during my valedictory speech in front of teachers, parents, and batch mates.
I’m glad my best friend … didn’t have a romantic love towards me.
It makes me tired when … after a long exhausting day, I don’t have something to look forward to, to release my stress.
When I am grouchy … I eat sinful foods, cry and sleep early.
At times I’d like to … to be a typical someone.
A friend would not … judge you for what you’ve done, either good or bad.
I wish my parents … met at the right time.
Having a pet… is one of the few things I haven’t done.
I really enjoy … out of town trips, traveling and nature tripping.
If I had three wishes … it would be to fulfill my dreams for my mama, kuya and myself, to have a wonderful family in the future and to be happy always.
Playing games … give me confidence.
What really drives me crazy … are breads, books and dvd series, magazines, recipe books, sewing, my students, how unrated the teachers are, kalbo and stocky guys
When I’m older … I’ll be a good mom, a loving wife, a more mature and more responsible Christian, a successful doctor, a traveler and still a teacher.
Homework … thank God, I don’t have it now.
What I like most about myself … is I forgive me.
I can best be described as … Juday look a like???? Waaaahhhh!!!!!!
Something that makes me laugh … are the things people consider as not funny.
I get angry when … I don’t know… seriously.

The Gentleman Player

It was the first time that this girl had ever known that something called love. It didn’t start as an infatuation, like it usually does in common love stories. This was something let us say magical. Yes, even at a young age of 10, she understood how the magic of love could change how she saw things.

It was a typical afternoon in the field. After school hour at around 5 pm, this was the time when coaches and players would rush in the quadrangle to practice. Girls and boys and sometimes gays were also there to see their crushes play. This time was one of the most exciting times of the day for her, aside from recess and lunch times. She was not one of the on lookers. She was the one playing volleyball in the field. The sport she never had an interest at first. She was just compelled to join because she was one of the big girls in the room who the coach hand picked because she thought she would be of help in the court, having an extra weight and height, she could intimidate the opponents. But it was never like that because she was not an ace player, never born to be one. She was satisfied sitting on the bench during actual games, though she was a little bit ashamed of it especially when people call her water girl. But it didn’t matter. She didn’t wish to be in that situation in the first place, so not affected at all. And who cared anyway?

District meet was nearing so all volleyball players, girls and boys, were double timing in practicing. That particular afternoon, she was feeling so bad. Her services were not good; her performance was a justification that she would not be better than a bench player. She couldn’t get her groove while everyone was playing well. She was losing the little confidence she had. Then, he approached her and helped her out. He got the ball and smoothly showed her how to properly receive as well as to return it. He talked like an expert. It was obvious he knew his craft and was very good at it. He gave instruction as if it was so uncomplicated. He made volleyball so easy. She couldn’t remember if it was only her he was teaching or the rest of the team. He looked so handsome, and that’s what mattered. Surprisingly, it seemed weird. She was seeing him every single school day, being in the same section for the last five years, but it was just that day that he began to exist in her world. That day had changed a lot of things in her life. This gave her a reason to be early in school everyday, to try to look prim and proper all the time, to get higher grades and aim for top position in the classroom. Every glimpse, every conversation, every exchange of papers during exams, every time they seated on the same row, every time he gave compliments and congratulations, everything started to be meaningful all of a sudden. She was inspired. She had a crush, a real one. She made “kulot” as his code name so she could talk about him unreservedly with her best friend. He made her school days perfect all the time. He never knew, though his friends noticed. And it ended like that, just like that, but she was happy because she was in love.

Another four years passed. He continued to be this talented-star-player-awed-by-many type of student. Though they went to the same school, all she could do was to stare at him from afar. She’d always want to approach him and say hi, but she never had the guts to do it. She was sure she’ll be dumb struck by his presence. She hated it that he was growing up as a good looking guy. More and more, she was losing hope that he would notice her. Every time she’d go to school earlier, seeing him was a big marvel for her. Their lives were so different, she was striving to be an excellent student, and he was making a name for himself as a viable player. They had different priorities.

One day, she felt she died when she found out he was involved with someone, someone prettier than her. That was like a bullet perfectly aimed at her heart. There were endless crying nights and pathetic moments. It made her insecure and made her question what was wrong with her. It seemed that whatever she worked hard for was meaningless. She lost hope that love really exists. It was her dream to be with him. More friends knew about this. They tried to console her, to cheer her up and to make her realize that she could move on. But they were all wrong. Her heart was the most stubborn heart in the world. She loved him. That’s what mattered. She would wait and selfishly wished that he’d be single again, but it didn’t happen. He was a great guy inside and outside the court. That made her more in loved with him.

When would she move on? That was her sole question. She wanted to stop dreaming that he’s the man with whom she’s going to spend the rest of her life with. More than a decade of loving him was too much to bear. She wanted the hope to leave her alone, but it’s as stubborn as her.

If there’s one thing she learned from this, it is that in high school, love may not be forever.

decisions made

These past few days, I’ve been thinking a lot about some matters.

First, did I make the right decision to let us be “normal friends” again like we used to? I know once I over stepped, things would not be the same. And I am sticking to my decision just to let it go because I stand in what I believe in. When it comes to God, anything becomes non- negotiable. I am happy because I know my Daddy Jess has better plans for me. He will come, in time. And when that time comes, I’ll be one of the happiest ladies in the world. We will grow together in faith.

Secondly, my friend Mike is still in the hospital, fighting his cancer. He had gone to ICU and operation to take out the fluids in his body. We know that he will overcome this trial. He is a living testimony that God really works in mysterious ways and there are really miracles in life. He is a survivor, we are with him in this battle, I am with him. When I pray for him, I can’t help but to cry a lot. I want him to survive this. We still have so many plans once he get out of the hospital and things become as they used to be. I keep on telling him that I am so excited to see him out and healthy again because it will be another life, a renewed life for him. I know Mike will come out as a better man. God is merciful, nothing is impossible to Him and we claim that Mike will be healed. I love you Mike. We all love you sooooo much!!!!! I wish I can spend more time with you in the hospital but I will never stop praying for you, together with our block mates. God is good. Life is beautiful. You keep on thanking us and telling us how happy you are because we are with you. But it is us that are so proud of you, your heart and faith that keep on giving you strength. We love you Mike!

Third, I know it would come to this point that I would regret or maybe feel sad at least about the things, feelings and people I let go in the past. When I heard that he’s back with her, I think, I was kind of asking myself, why am I affected? Well…. It happened already, I can’t do anything about it anymore. Thank God I am happy.

Goodbye for now, Ketsy... see you again... I am going to miss you a LOT!!!

She’s been a constant companion to me, in school and more in community. When I found out that she’s going to teach abroad, several things went off in my mind. Questions like, who will I seek advice from regarding my personal problems? Who will persevere to invite me to attend the prayer meetings on Friday nights, whenever I feel so lazy and tempted to go out with friends instead of going to the community? Who will cheer me up when I find myself crying all the time? She’s been the sister that I never had… So knowing that she’ll be going, it’s kind of tearing a piece of what I have become because of her. I fear that I would go back to who I was before I met her. The Phnas that was so introvert, so self- centered, a cry baby, and easily depressed. Things might become haywire again.

Tomorrow, she’s gonna leave for States. I spent the last two days with her. I chose to sleep over in her place than going to my Saturday classes. Yesterday, we had a picnic with her. I told her, it’s not her parting that brings me down because I know she’ll always be there for me no matter what. It’s more of being so scared what would happen to me when she’s not physically beside me.

I know that this might just be a test from God, whether if I will make it on my own. I hope I will not fail Him.

It’s true pala na when someone goes, someone comes…again.. Yesterday, I got a surprised call from Keita’s aunt and she told me that Keita didn’t leave the country because his visa wasn’t approved. And I was able to talk to him! Imagine that! And I might just be counting few more days before I get to see him again!...Haaay… God is Great! As always!

Lately
By: Phnas
Finished on July 7, 2008


Lately, life’s not easy between you and me
Lately, I got lost, chose the wrong path almost
I needed time, wanted to do some things
Trying to get away from regularity
I was happy outside, I know I was
Trying out what it’s like without you by my side

But the feeling didn’t last
I’ve realized, I really need you in my life

CHORUS:

Another chance is all I’m asking
Please make myself complete again
Bring me to life, bring back the pain
But this time, I am sure I can make it through
Because you are with me

Lately I was broken, but now I am whole again
Because you are here.
Because you love me.

I used to question my friends why couples, regardless of age, suddenly become silly, babyish, immature, and things like that when they talk to their partners. I see it with my brother and his girlfriend, with my co-teachers and close friends (no offense! haha). It was an issue for me, because my perception of being into a relationship is for the two people to become maturer, in terms of the things they talk about, what they do, how they deal with their emotions and concerns, and how to fight for their relationship for it to last, etc. But, i think i overlooked it. I was trapped within the notion that courting for "older" people MUST be serious and mature ALL THE TIME. I stand corrected... well...

What they said was true, that "Phnas, you wouldn't get it, unless you're in that exact situation". Siguro nga....

Enjoy. Weird. Funny in a way. Highschoolish. Kilig.

My third year of teaching started heavily. I think not only for me, but for my co-teachers as well. Things have changed a lot…as in a lot! People, responsibilities, workplace, relationships and i think also me? maybe.

Before the school year started, i had high hopes that this would be my greatest and happiest teaching year, being my last year of stay in Wordlab, but it seems like, it'd be difficult to realize that now. Sad.

Good thing is, i still have my boys... thank you God!