yesterday was such an inspiring day and an eye opener! seeing those kids with cancer enjoying the games, the balloons, the magic show, the food and the prayers..despite what they and their parents are going through...haaay...i can't stop thanking Daddy Jess for blessing me with good health and better life.

It's always like...

situation A: You like this guy, but the guy likes another girl

or

situation B: The guy likes you, but you see the guy as a friend

Ang sakit sa ulo!

I thought this day was fine. I had dinner with friends. I had fine sessions with my students. But I’ve realized some things that really made me sad and made me feel sorry for myself. I’ve never been hurt like this before. It’s sinking in how I can’t enjoy what I am and what I have.

While in the bus going to the dinner. I was thinking about Keita. I was asking myself why I love that kid so much and I’ve realized that he is one of the reasons why I want to be contented with everything God has given me. I am missing him terribly. I can’t stop crying when I think about him. It could be the struggles I did go through, it could be the effort that I put into, it could be those times where we hugged each other endlessly for every accomplishment he had, for every letter he was able to name and remember, for all those times when he made me smile and forget all the stress teaching had given me, for all those moments when I was really proud of what he became. I miss Keita, and it’s just now that things are starting to be real. That I am not going to see him for a very long time, maybe never again.

The last day I saw him, I had a breakdown when he left. I don’t want to let go of him but I don’t have a choice. He needs to go….he needs to go. Even though he could have left the country already, I’m still holding on to everything and still looking forward for the next school day because I know I will still see him. We will still do the high fives that only the both of us know how to before starting our sessions. But I know at the back of my mind, I know it’s telling me to stop this but I can’t really stop crying and I don’t want to.

I want to give up asking and waiting for answers… the pain that I have to go through is unbearable already…I want it to stop. I don’t want it anymore.

Ass is a sin- AZ

I’ve been suffering from sore eyes for the past 3 to 4 days now. I hate it because it’s delaying my plan and schedule, but on the other hand, it’s good that it happened because I have a right to be a bum for couple of days. I didn’t go home to Alabang today and did not tutor Andy as scheduled. I told her I can’t make it and just ask her parents for help. Added to that, I reminded her to have fun doing it. And here what she replied: I NEVER HAVE FUN DOING HW B-), IF U HAVE FUN THAT’S A SIN… haha.

Haay si Andy.... Oh how I love her!!!!

want vs need

It’s my prayer to decipher where I should be heading in a year time. I want to go to med school very much but I need to work and help support my family as well. It’s hard to be in between, really hard! Time is ticking and soon I am afraid that one day, it‘s times up and I need to choose and decide, no turning back and leave it for tomorrow kind of thing.

But more or less, I think God is making His way to let me get and accept the message and his plan for me. The parents I am working with never fail to let me know that I am really helping their kids and that their kids love me. I never had a troubled relationship in any of my students, though lots of rough times if I may say. I treat them as my siblings and as my babies, to be honest! It’s been a very wonderful journey with them. I will not trade this experience of a life time for any material things in this world!

What I think is that God wants me to make a difference by teaching and taking care of these amazing kids with special needs. This insight, which I am trying to disallow and not to let enter my mind is getting more realistic each day, which is really scary for me! Daddy Jess is showering me with offers to teach and handle kids, that these parents are actually, as I may quote “ giving a punch on me” to try to help their kids even if my training and education to begin with is not directly related to special education. It is just so faltering to hear that and to know that I am helping to make these kids’ lives better.

To be honest, I still don’t know, it is just I can’t see myself as a teacher for the rest of my life. Well, I could continue but this should not be the only thing I’d be doing in the future. Maybe, I will go to school and then teach a few kids. I have so many plans, so many things and possibilities to explore. I don’t know, I don’t want to think about it anymore but I can’t help it but to think about it. Oh I hate myself!

With all these things happening, I’ve just realized, I must be doing something right.

Year 2002, I was first year college then and was sooooo reclusive. I entered UST knowing nobody, even previous school mates in high school. The first day of class, I was lost. You are a freshman if you look so ignorant and missing that you would ask every single student and guards on your way to your class room. You did not care about what the senior students say about you, all you care is not to be late on your first class. That was all you cared about. Thinking back about that brings me the feeling of humiliation. What if those senior students were really laughing at me, that I really looked like a strayed sheep on a huge field? I must have cried then if I was conscious of it, well, that was history!

Anyways, good thing was, I arrived on time, but the problem was, I got in the wrong classroom. My registration form said that I should go to CAL-2 for my Zoology class, so there was an L in the name of the room, so maybe it’s a laboratory since it is Zoology. I got to the main building where a guard, whom I wanted to curse by the way, led me to CL-2, a computer laboratory!!!! Oh gosh! panic mode again. This time, it’s for real because few more minutes I was expecting to hear a bell, like in high school and worst was, what if I got in late for that class, all my new classmates would witness my dramatic arrival and the professor would be mad and things like that were running on my mind.!

Fortunately, that didn’t happen. Well I was late but I wasn’t alone! What a relief! The reason was, I got run into another girl who seemed lost as well, and I soon found out that we were headed on the same class. She happened to be my first ever buddy in USTE. Her name is Anna Margarita Cruz. I call her Marge until now. We were inseparable in our first year in college. We waited for each other going to our first class, ate out for lunch, studied in the library, boy watched together in the field, seatmates and groupmates forever. The two of us basically was considered a clique in that sense. I remembered that I would not go to any GA or parties without her. I would sleep over to their town house behind GMA Network, talked about what music and books we like, our love lives, her family, plan our ukay ukay trips, listen to the Master Showman production numbers on a late Saturday night, that used to happen outside the GMA building (by the way that was so funny!), etc. We would know if we did not like the party and needed to go to a different place to continue to enjoy.

But she transferred to Ateneo the next school year, that was a real shocker! I found myself not knowing how would I be when she’s gone.

More or less 6 years after that, communication and meet ups are cut up. We rarely hear from each other. Our schedule could not meet, she’s busy in med school, my time is eaten mostly by my work and other community activities. Ending, I miss her so much!

That separation opened my door to new friendships. If that didn’t happen I wouldn’t have stood on my own and haven’t started to explore what college life is. I wasn’t secluded anymore by the four walls of my house, school and our friendship. I formed new relationships and was able to survive, hence I was able to experience the things a normal college student must have gone through.

This morning, she texted me and she said we could meet up next week since she is on vacation and I am pretty much too. I am so excited to see her again after maybe 2 years. I think the last time I saw her was days before my birthday back in 2006, when I went to Ateneo to help her out with her study/ thesis then. Well, it’s been a while, let’s see what would happen. Can’t wait!

*Palm Beach Resort, Laiya Batangas, April 1, 2008, 5:30 am

Karagatan

By Phnas

April 1, 2008

Halika, hawakan ang aking kamay

At tayo’y maglakbay sa kawalan

Tulad ng dagat na di tarok ang hangganan

Magtiwala at tayo’y may patutunguhan

Kalmadong tubig at hangin ang hangad na maranasan

Sa agos ng buhay na walang sakit at pangamba

Hayaang ito ang magdikta ng kapalaran

Pag-asang sa huli, lahat ay magiging ganap

Umapak sa buhanginan, hapdi at sarap ang dulot

Sa bawat hakbang, bigat ng paa at iyong katawan

Pinong buhangi’y nananatiling kaagapay sa paghahanap ng daan

Isang kahilingang huwag ng matapos ang lahat

Ang katahimikan ng puso’t isip na dala ng dagat

Tunay na kamangha- mangha ang gawa ng Maylikha

Isang lugar kung saan maaaring makawala ang mga pangamba

Huminto panandalian ang mundo at lumutang sa walang kasiguruhan

Oras at panahon na igugugol lamang sa paghanga ng isang gawa

Ang alon, ang agos, ang alat, mga buhay na umaasa sa bigay ng dagat

Isang paraisong maaaring pagsimulan at pagwakasan ng buhay

Ialay ang lahat sa Amang nagbigay

Unending Journey

April 1, 2008

By Phnas

Oh Lord please take my hand

I want to trust you with all my life

Bring me to a place where I can be yours

All that I have, I’m willing to give up for you

To be with you in an unending journey of life

Take me home where love is abundant

Teach me your words and your ways

Help me live my life in faith

Let me offer all that I am

Give me a chance to take this unending journey with you

CHORUS:

Let me walk beside You my Lord

Hold my hands

Carry my burdens

Bless my soul

Lead me to the right way Oh Lord

Don’t let me look back

Be my direction

Be my strength

Help me live with trust

To be worthy to travel

In this wonderful ride

In an unending journey with You

My summer so far

I was busy. Going from one place to another and meeting friends from high school, college and the recent ones. I spent a lot, bankrupt yet HAPPY. Material things that I lost did not matter too much because I am glad that I gave my time to the people who matter to me.

• I sympathize with a friend who is going through a hard time right now because of his illness, his cancer. I was really shocked when I found out about it, just a few days ago. It was so surreal to me, and it affected my day. I could not believe that that was not a joke, that he has a cancer, for real. It really saddened me. The class showed support to him by attending a lunch date last Saturday. It was so moving to know that we are all in prayers for him to be okay, and to be healthy again. It gave me joy to hear from him, words of thanks because this simple act of support gives him courage and strength to face this challenge with positive attitude and high hopes.

This is just a trial that you have to face, with us…. all of us together. You have us. Have faith that you will be healed. Trust and believe. We all LOVE YOU!!!

• It was Ael’s 23^rd birthday last Saturday also, one of my high school best girlfriend barkadas. She chose to celebrate it with us in an outing. On a tight budget, we still managed to have fun. I miss them all the time, sobra! Even though we talk about the same things, topics and people every time we meet, still, it always feels like the first time we heard those things. We still get excited, annoyed, embarrassed, angry, irritated, etc. It was also the first time I met her boyfriend for two years now. I am really happy for her because I can see that she is happy and contented with how her life has been so far. It was just sad that most of us in the barkada could not come for personal reasons and because they’re busy. Oh how I hate that excuse! But, what can I do? They have their own lives and their reasons, and I can not blame them for being like that, I just need to understand that.

• And that’s not all, the day after that, I was headed to Laiya, Batangas for another outing. This time with my Wordlab School Family. We went to Palm Beach Resort. It was a very relaxing haven. I was able to enjoy a very long day of nothing but appreciating the nature, swimming in the beach, kayaking and snorkeling. Those fishes made me shout a lot of times when they were trying to swim beside me or near me, but it was amazing seeing the corals, school of fishes and other kinds of living things in the sea. At night, Den, Sara, her two nieces and I went star gazing, but unluckily no shooting stars for me. Nice chit chats, laughter, great food, great place and ammenities, new adventures and experiences and unforgettable memories and people are the things that I will recount when I talk again about my summer getaways this 2008.

Thank you Daddy Jess for every single blessing!

A One Day Affair

By Phnas

April 1, 2008

First time our eyes met

A certain connection felt

Total strangers to each other

Introductions never happened

Stolen stares from a far

But it was illicit

Could not look at his eyes

Could not even speak a single word

A taboo to talk about the feeling

All happened on that one day

Somewhere

A beautiful place

And then silently

She needed to say goodbye

Forget all about this

Pretend it’s a dream

No beginning, no ending

Just a one day affair

That should be gone with the wind