I thought this day was fine. I had dinner with friends. I had fine sessions with my students. But I’ve realized some things that really made me sad and made me feel sorry for myself. I’ve never been hurt like this before. It’s sinking in how I can’t enjoy what I am and what I have.

While in the bus going to the dinner. I was thinking about Keita. I was asking myself why I love that kid so much and I’ve realized that he is one of the reasons why I want to be contented with everything God has given me. I am missing him terribly. I can’t stop crying when I think about him. It could be the struggles I did go through, it could be the effort that I put into, it could be those times where we hugged each other endlessly for every accomplishment he had, for every letter he was able to name and remember, for all those times when he made me smile and forget all the stress teaching had given me, for all those moments when I was really proud of what he became. I miss Keita, and it’s just now that things are starting to be real. That I am not going to see him for a very long time, maybe never again.

The last day I saw him, I had a breakdown when he left. I don’t want to let go of him but I don’t have a choice. He needs to go….he needs to go. Even though he could have left the country already, I’m still holding on to everything and still looking forward for the next school day because I know I will still see him. We will still do the high fives that only the both of us know how to before starting our sessions. But I know at the back of my mind, I know it’s telling me to stop this but I can’t really stop crying and I don’t want to.

I want to give up asking and waiting for answers… the pain that I have to go through is unbearable already…I want it to stop. I don’t want it anymore.