why can't some people grow up???
i mean (when maturity becomes directly proportional to their ages)
just so sad.... :(

My Best Coping Mechanisms of All Time

1. when someone irritates me

smile lang and pretend that person doesn’t exist, I take it as a challenge

2. when I am getting frustrated with what im doing

stop for a while, breathe and then start again

3. when someone is so madaldal and it’ll be rude to let her/ him stop

nod lang ng nod and pretend I am all ears

4. when I feel so lazy

I hibernate (no text, no call, in short I don’t exist!)

5. when I’m feeling so stressed out

I take vitamins and stress tabs!

6. when I don’t feel like talking

I hide! (weirdo!)

7. when I have no time to make lesson plans

recycle the previous LPs! Hehe

8. when I feel that my mind is so active

I write down my ideas kahit sobrang mapuyat ako

9. when I feel like giving up

I give myself a break or treat myself (basketball is my therapy)

10. when napikon ko si kuya ko

maghahain ako ng lunch at dinner niya! At magpapaalila…huhuhu…it works!

11. when I can’t concentrate and pray

I keep quiet pero nakakatulog ako…bad….tsktsk

12. When someone is getting on my nerves

mas nagiging patient ako…naks!

13. when I miss my bes

I view his profile or text him I miss him

14. when i'm stock in traffic

haaay…the best time to daydream!!!

15. when I feel like crying because madrama ang palabas

I go to my room and then cry

16. when I feel like crying

I cry a lot, burry my head under the pillow and then cry until I get tired and fall asleep

17. when I need to review for a major exam or finish reports

I sleep at daytime and work during madaling araw

18. when I can’t hide my kilig

I giggle in silence…ahihi

19. when I can’t resist eating a lot especially pag may seafood

haaay… drink a lot of water..then I’ll feel bloated and then mahihiya na akong kumain pa ng mas madami.

20. when my insomnia strikes me

dvd marathon of my favorite tv series…..

To be continued…. this is fun.... :)

A Mass for the Sumilao Farmers

The 7^th night of simbang gabi in Ateneo was held for the Sumilao farmers of Bukidnon. I was so lucky to be there and witness it. I was with Ketsy and 4 other community members who also attended the mass in lieu of our Friday night Prayer meeting.

That was such an experience for me. Ironically, I felt awesome to set foot on Ateneo and be part of the Atenean community for just few hours. The people, the mass, the environment were surreal. I once dreamt to feel that feeling and it came true at that moment.

Anyways, the Sumilao farmers walked from Bukidnon to Manila to fight for their right to have the 400 hundred hectares of farm land which is now being run by an international company. They walked 1,800 kilometers on foot just for the government to take notice of them and actually hear them.

The mass was held in Ateneo because the study was started by a group of students from the said school. The Jesuit priests are supporting them in this fight for right not only for the farmers themselves but also for the future of their families.

The homily given by Father Weng, the head of the Jesuit community in the Philippines, told the people why one of the farmers was convinced to take part in this battle. That farmer’s reason was that when he saw his nine-month old son, he knew that he needed to do this for his kid’s better future. That was really touching that made me cry. That was a realization for me that these things happen in real lives. That battle can be won with love and support. At that moment, I felt that my spirit was with them. That was really moving!

The mass’s collection was offered to the farmers as well as the sales coming from the statement shirts being sold by the students. I am really grateful that even in prayers and in my simple ways, that I was able to be a part of their battle. I really hope that the government will hand them their land.

My family isn’t the typical one. I live with my mom and my one brother. I have two other half brothers that stay with my dad in Manila. Since I was born it’s my Kuya Thobby I was with. We grew up together under one roof and under the care of our mama alone.

This holiday season will be a more special one not because we’re gonna celebrate it in a different way but it will be a thanksgiving celebration in a way because most of this year has been hale and hearty year as far as my brother’s health is concern.

The start of 2007 was ghastly for us, me and my brother spent the New Year in the hospital for the first time away from our mama, lola, 2 cousins and tita amy. He was in and out of the hospital because he was diagnosed to have vasculitis, an auto immune disease caused by hepatitis and stress according to the doctor. That was the longest time we were together and the first time I actually took care of him. During that time, I couldn’t help but think of the possibilities that anything could happen because his state was pretty serious and anytime I could lose him. I was really afraid then and couldn’t imagine how my life would be if that dreadful thing would happen.

It’s hard to illustrate how am I with my brother, maybe this letter would explain it.

A letter from my Kuya Thobby, dated July 13, 2005

A pleasant day to you my wicked sister. What can I say? Well, I know, we’ve been into rough and smooth times, and I know we don’t have the typical brother and sister thing just like other common people. Although we share things and we bond sometimes especially if I have topak… but this doesn’t mean we don’t have a good relationship right?

It is just that, we seldom see each other and we seldom have the opportunity. We were brought up as survivors and independents, that’s why very often we rely to one another. We are very secretive and insensitive sometimes.

But that’s what we are and its hard to change it now. On the other hand I’m grateful that you become what Mama wanted you to be and I’m proud that you have grown fat (hehe) joke! I mean you have grown to a fine and responsible Viva Hot Mama! No kidding!

I thank you for being there with me especially when I needed you most, you may not know it but honestly I really appreciated those small things.

I wish you all the best in your career and I pray that you’ll be happy and contented in life. I am always here if you need me, juts don’t hesitate especially if it’s a serious thing. I am also facing a hard time this past few days and I’m trying to overcome it.

One thing I’ve learned in life is that, things just come and go without premises, things change and things sometimes turn to be unfair, but no matter what happens at the end it is still you who need to decide and choose for your own fate. I hope you will choose the right thing.

What more can I say?

Thanks for being my one and only Candy.

God Bless.

I love you!

Gwapong Kuya Thobby

I feel bad...
I planned that i would try to complete simbang gabi this year....
But it turned out that i needed to stay in ALabang until the 20th...
I could have attended mass in a nearer church there...
But i don't know the place that much and not familiar with it...
Iba pa din pag sa San Mateo ako mag simbang gabi...

Sayang talaga...
:(

Things to do during the Christmas Break

8 Progress Reports

10 Remedial Plans

(akala ko ba BREAK???gggrrrrr)

Finish a Clique Series book (thanks Andy!!!)

Write more songs and articles on my blog (yippee!)

Try to exercise and go to the gym (haay life!)

Sleeeeeep…. (this is life!)

Reunion in Batangas (sana matuloy!)

Costume Party in Living Hope (Who will I be???)

Go and visit my daddy and kuyas (tampo na sila sa akin talaga!)

Meet with Anapot! And have some girl bonding activity… (Nail Spa sounds good!)

WATCH PBA GAMES!!!! (alleluya! finally!)

Experiencing Avenue Q

RCBC Plaza,Carlos P. Romulo Auditorium that could sit more or less 300 people at 8 pm last night. I was with Den, Sara, Les, Esh and Migen. One of the last gimmicks among wordlab barkada before the year ends. We were on the 2^nd row front seat like 5 feet from the stage, was this the best seat ever or what!!!. Aiza Seguerra, Rachel Alejandro, Joel Trinidad, were some of the actors who performed. It was directed by Carlos Garcia and lasted for almost 1 ½ hours. And I enjoyed it very very very much! Though some parts are rated PG!hehe… you know…

My brother loves theater, that’s his passion. He used to act at UP and CCP, and now directs plays and leads a theatrical group here in San Mateo. I watched him be a taong grasa and portrayed other characters.

I didn’t know I would love theater too. I appreciate it a lot! Maybe runs in the blood, pero ako more on nag-aapreciate lang. I can’t act. I am a boring actor, ang happy and sad expression halos pareho lang. hehe. I won’t pass any audition.

Well, mabibilang pa din with my hands how many plays I’ve seen and next year I plan to save more money para makapanood ako ng iba pang broadway plays.

Next target: Cinderella!!!! (soooooo excited)

Knowing HIM through Living Hope

Being in Wordlab School is indeed a blessing in disguise because it served as an avenue for me to be involved in a Christian community, where I know has been changing my life a lot spiritually and as a person.

I really wanted to share this part of me here in my blog but I was concerned at first, well until now, if I could tell you its story in the way it’s supposed to be told and give it the proper justice it should have. Well, no harm in trying!

My History in this Community

Alvin, a good friend, whom I met during a DAYS retreat back in my senior year in college was the one who invited me to attend a Friday meeting in Rockwell, of course my first reaction was “I am busy and I have plans this Friday na, sorry”. But that was a lie (hehe), because I assumed that oh no this would be another community who does things in exaggerated ways, the way I see it on television. So the second time and the third time….still, no thank you! Maybe next time ang drama ko. But he was so persistent in inviting me, to the point na he was discussing already the mission and vision and the things they do there. Oh my! Did he just give me a lecture? Hehe, so sige na nga, let’s give it a try. And besides nakijoin force ang one of the big bosses ng school in inviting me, so as a good employee, and I was newly hired then in the school, I could say na medyo napilitan ako… (love you ketsy!)

I was shocked how warm the welcome I received from the people in this community. These people whom I met like few minutes before lang that same night. Diba sometimes, you would just be comfortable with a person kahit you don’t know the reason at all. That’s what happened to me. Maybe, it was their genuine smile and appreciation that I took time on a gimik Friday night to see what they do for God.

The First Friday Prayer Meeting

There was the introduction part, saying Hi! to everyone and eating a snack while waiting for other members to arrive and for the prayer meeting to start. Past 8pm, we went up to the room where they hold it, there was some kinda band stuff being set up, I was hearing beautiful voices and hearing the good, holy music. I like that! Then, it began.

Five charismatic songs were sung. The lyrics were being shown on the projector so sing along lang ako, and in fairness, ganda ng songs. Parang I can relate ang reaction ko. After the last set of song, there was this part na, ay tapos na! Tapos, Ketsy whispered something like, “don’t be surprised ah”. OK what does that mean? And then I heard let’s give love to everyone! And then people started walking from one row to another and started hugging and kissing each other on the cheeks, as in all! Male or female!So na shock ako! I don’t know them! It’s really awkward to do that, but they were the one who approached me and welcomed me in that gesture! Well, it ended up naman na di ako masyado na ilang because I just had beso beso with the girls. The men were gentlemen talaga so hand shake lang.

After that, there was a short talk about a certain topic and bible verses were read. And after that was sharing part where people go infront and talk about the blessing they have received and how God is blessing them Basically, any topic can be opened up dun. Makukulit ang mga tao! As in! makulit na cool!

I felt really welcomed, so since then I started attending. After two months, I had a retreat and commit myself to be a member. My only duty then was to attend Friday prayer meetings on a regular basis. Then nagging disciple na ako and then servant. Galing!

Now, one year and four months na ako! Yey! Congrats to me! And endless years to come pa!

HE is our GOD…

I am loving God now the way I never imagined I could. I am not a so religious person who’s good in everything and to everybody. I’m still a human being who could not resist temptations and sin a countless time. Pero the big difference now is that I have a God whom I know is there for me and who will take care of me. Life becomes so much easier with Him in my heart. Trials become so petty sometimes because of that trust to His promise na everything will be alright. I have someone to whom I can lift up all my burdens and worries in life. I have a daddy and a friend whom I can share all things about me. I feel safe all the time wherever I am and wherever my loved ones are. My life is ok with Him and I am happy because of Him and his love for me.

Now, I want to be able to give to HIM all in me..to be able to fully trust Him with my life and to worship Him everyday of my life. I want to worship him and sing songs for Him all the time. I am so much amazed and thankful that He is my God!

The enchanted-pig-out date

First day of December, I just had five students in 8 hours straight! An impulsive movie invitation from an ADHD teacher was such a great plan. At 4:30 we started packing and preparing for a wonderful girl-to-girl bonding ahead! Oh my! What a way to end an arduous day indeed!

On the way to Alabang Town Center, more or less a 20-minute walk from the office, beepsie and I had a good chit-chat. At first, to be honest I had apprehensions if I could jive with her flamboyant personality because that’s not exactly me, but the more times I spend with her, the more I realize that she could be a really good companion. And ironically I feel really comfortable with her.

We talked about her life, her annulment, her husband, their adopted child and how she copes with everything that’s going on with her. It’s just amazing that despite this difficult time, she still manage to laugh and be genuinely happy. Bow ako sa kanya dun talaga. I may not really know her but I pray na sana, she’ll be okay, especially inside.

Anyways, the walk was marvelous, the December cozy weather was fantastic as well! We bought tickets the moment we arrived and had Quickly (oh so yummy! With extra nago!) and some chips and chocolate (for her lang! really tempted but no!). Oh and yes, I also saw Ryan Agoncillo in the Candy Shop (ok not so papable! Dedma lang…hehe).

The movie we saw was Enchanted… and in fairness the movie house was packed, as in standing room. Before it started, I couldn’t take my eyes away from the popcorn man, Well I was not staring at the man who was selling popcorn but to the stuffed pop corn bags he was holding. Syempre di ako nakatiis and told beepsie, “im so sorry but I need to buy those popcorns”, my EQ is really low talaga when it comes to pagkain… and guess what? I was surprised when I found out that she was thinking of the same thing too! Wahaha! So we ended up buying two pop corn bags with different flavors, white cheese and barbeque (yum!yum!yum!). Ok, that was heaven! As in! Sabi ko nga sa kanya if every weekend would be like that, hay naku I’ll be really super duper happy talaga!

I don’t want to talk about the movie, not because I didn’t like it, but because I don’t know how to make a sort of a movie review. Basta all I know is that the best part of it is Patrick Dempsey…a.k.a McDreamy! And while watching the movie, parang I had a right to daydream na naman….haay…

There’s one line that he said that made me sad lang that: “Fairy tales and they live happily ever after don’t happen in real life”.

Sana di yun totoo kasi I believe in that and I always wonder what my fairy tale story would be.

Four times a week I see this wonderful teenager that I’ll just call AZ. She’s my tutee for more than a year now. We’ve been through a myriad of crying moments when she finds it hard to understand things and when she feels like giving up doing what she hates the most…studying.

And that is the exact reason why I can’t let her go, I tried to but it was a hell, deciding whether to stay with her or have more time for myself and knowing that she might find it harder to survive school without my help if I do so.

And God just solved this dilemma in whatever ways I couldn’t explicate. All I know is that I woke up one day and realized that I need to stay with her.

I can’t say that all the days we sit together are fine. Solving odious math problems, reviewing for her quizzes or just chatting around about her family, my work, our friends, or whatever it is, just having fun are the things we do. Sometimes, I want to give up and just tell her I really find it hard to endure the weariness, but just seeing her smile or cry in front of me, I just realize that I am the one who could give more, and I have no reason at all to whine.

I treat her as my sister, the same way she treats me. We never called ourselves teacher-student names because we know that our relationship surpasses that level.

In 2009, I have plans and one of them is to continue my schooling. I know that means giving up my tutorials, and I just can’t imagine the day that I would tell it to her. It will truly break my heart.

Anyways, last night she asked me to read her assignment in religion. Her teacher asked her to make a poem about God and this is what she wrote. After I read this, I was really proud of her because I am seeing a better her.

I wish someday you can read this Andy. I really love you so much.

My Little Prayer

By: AZ

One rainy day

I found my self kneeling on my bed to pray

This is what I say

Dear God

First of all You are the best

And the greatest God You are among the rest

There is no one like You because I truly love You

As days pass by I no longer cry

Thank you for your happiness

My tears are miles away

Because I am in a better place

Where friendship has come my way

My troubles and my sadness has found me no more

I’m walking through a different door

I know You have reasons

A reason for my life

And for my tears during those last few years

To make me better and stronger person

That will have less fears

And as life goes on

More troubles will come

And decisions we have to make

As our journey take place

In this world You made

Thank You for this humungous family I have

And that we are close most of all

And all the fun times I have with them

They are there when I fall

They may be weird when they are hyper

But I never get bored

And I love them all

Thank You for all the things You’ve done for me

And all the things and blessings You’ve given me

This is my little prayer for You from me

Last of all thank You for taking care of me

IN and OUT

IN
Christmas list/ Divisoria
high school and college reunions
new cellphone on the way
a new house and lot under my name
2 more weeks before 2nd trimester ends
Wordlab Alabang Christmas party
attending Community again
Winning the Amazing Grace 2!!
Christmas Gifts
seeing my half-brothers and daddy

OUT
tight Christmas budget
arranging class reunions
not seeing my kids in one month
monthly due for the house
additional pounds on Holidays

My Savior
November 11, 2007
By: phnas

Don’t give up on me
I need you so badly
You are the only one
Who can take out the pain in me

CHORUS:
Please stay beside me
Forever if you could
Coz I’m not safe without you
You’re the one that guides me through
Keep your caring arms around me
Coz with you my world isn’t blue

People may come and go
They may love or hurt me so
But I don’t worry if these happen
Coz there’ll be a hand to catch me when I fall

CHORUS:

I may no longer see you
To hug you tight
And cry beside you
To tell you all the worries I have inside

But I just look at the sky
Knowing that you’ll see me
Your love keeps me alive
But wherever you are….

CHORUS:

Please stay beside me
Forever if you could
Coz I’m not safe without you
Coz with you my world isn’t blue

Letting go...

The hardest of part of loving someone or liking someone is the fact that there’ll come a time that you have to let go of the person and the feelings. It sucks! One of the disgusting feelings I don’t want to experience, if I have an option.

Many times I’ve done this, but it’s still hurtful and frustrating. I find it somehow unfair why I have to understand things like this. But sabi nga ni God, “trust in Him make things easier to understand”. So maybe, I am not yet giving Him my full trust.

I want to live the kind of days where I won’t worry about the things I gain, I lose, I give up and I let go. And I will just be happy, contented and be more grateful to accept what and who He gives to me.

I came across this book last night (thanks to beepsie...), and i just want to share some words from it.

Excerpt form the book : Ten Eternal Questions

Question: What has life taught you so far?

By Jools Holland

…although I learn all the time, I don\t really know a lot.
…things don’t work out if you try too hard
…people can only do what they can do
…it is important to know when to say the right thing and when not to say anything.

By Frei Betto
…There is no salvation other than love

By Michael Radford
…When one is young, life is full of infinite possibilities. You can imagine yourself as different things. You continue to do that until one day, you wake up and you say “Oh my God, I am a teacher, this is my life, this is the one I have chosen.

By Farah Pahlavi
…I have learned not to feel sorry for myself. Life is a struggle for everybody.

By Alfredo Guevara
…Life has taught me that it is very hard, sometimes tragic, but that is worth living.

By Mangosuthis Buthelezi
…The journey on this Erath in life is a mixture of sweet and bitter, and that we also suffer…

By Peter Ustinor
…Life has taught me that it’s a wonderful adventure

By Ed Begley Jr.
…Life’s taught me to live simply

By Sharon Stone
…Life teaches you to pick yourself up, dust yourself down and start all over again…

By Filipina Santos
Life surprises me every single day. It’s too much for me to comprehend in one lifetime, but so far these are the things I have learned for 22 years…

To have faith… Faith to God makes impossible things possible. I don’t think I can survive all the hardships without His love and guidance whether I ask it from Him or not. He knows. As long as I have his protection, this life is manageable.

To welcome change… Change is constant and nothing is constant. Living things grow and develop. Places will not be the same in few years. People who used to be important may not be important in the future. People change and the way you treat life is changing as well.And that’s a good thing because… life has taught me…

To never give up trying…. So I made a mistake, I made a wrong decision, so what? It’s not the end of the world. There are inestimable chances out there, so much time to be spent with whining and depression. If I failed once, it doesn’t mean I will be a failure forever. Remember, change is constant.

To recognize what I feel….This makes me sane. If I am happy I am happy. And if I am lonely, I identify the feeling, I cry and cry until I get tired. It makes a hell of difference. We have different ways of doing this, and it doesn’t matter as long as you let it out.

To be glad because I am so blessed …I wasn’t blessed with a complete family, but my mom and brother do fill out the pieces of the puzzle for me. I am proud to say that I never thought of rebelling because I know it’s just a waste of time and I have so many things to enjoy. Things that God has given me, friends, my talents, material and immaterial things around me. The mere fact that I am still enjoying life is a blessing, everything in me is a blessing.

To dream big… Before I imagined myself to be a lawyer like my dad, to be a beauty queen. Now I want to be a doctor, to be a successful businesswoman, to own an orphanage and be a UNICEF volunteer or WHO doctor who would go to Africa and different poor countries in the world. I wouldn’t mind if I can only achieve one of them. Not bad!

To be a social being… I was a self-confessed introvert. But when I felt that it’s lonely to be just on your own. I tried to find ways to connect with others. And it works! Through the process of socializing, I am learning as well. How to adjust to different kinds of people, I know to whom I will invest myself emotionally and to appreciate their differences.

To be in love with myself… People can’t love me fully if I don’t know how to love my own self to begin with, to accept my imperfection and to be proud of what I own. Once I am done with that, it’s much easier to love others.

To trust Him that my life will be better… I look forward to my future with optimism because I know He will never give up on me and that eventually all things will be ok. That one day, I will face Him and tell him proudly that I lived a great life because I lives it with Him.

I can't predict how will i feel the next day... i wish i could.. para happy, inspired and contented everyday.... Sana may magic akong ganun...

what i love about holidays is that i am able to have time...to sleep, to do nothing, to clear up my mind from anything, to just be silent, have a peace of mind and be "senti" once in a while.

God's just like radio waves, He is all over the place, it depends on you whether you will tune in to Him or not, but He's just around........that's for sure....

people always leave

Last night, I found out that one of my best friends has plans of leaving the country before the year ends. I never expected that, well she told me about it few months back but never imagined this to be imminent.

I hate the idea that people always leave.

I know she has her personal reasons and it is for her own growth. I am proud of her for taking this bold step. Better opportunities are waiting for her for sure. I just pray that everything will be okay.

I will surely miss her…

the "kalbo guy"

Almost all of my close friends know that I really have something with “kalbo” guys. I don’t know but it’s really a turn on for me.

Part one: the set-up

More or less six months ago, my boss then in Alabang was trying to set me up with her former student who is kalbo and single. He just came back after years of studying. I was excited with the thought that if this would happen, it’s gonna be my first ever real date (yah..yah..i’m a late bloomer with this matter..though I’m proud of it rather than ashamed). Anyways, to make the long story short, the set-up date never happened. I was disappointed in a way, but I knew he had his reasons.

part two: meeting him

After more or less six months, I finally met this “kalbo” guy, who turned out as a cutie J. There was this dinner held by the school, where he is one of the board members. The boss was reminded again about this planned set-up through a friend of mine (thanks to leslee….i hate you for doing this..but I love that you did!). We were introduced but I couldn’t look at his face and just ended up saying hi in the air. I was too bashful about it and I regret it, I swear. But honestly, if that scene would happen again, I’d probably do the same thing, because that is just like me.

I went home that day so kilig….

The next day, he showed up again in the hotel where the conference hosted by the school was being held. He went to the same room where I was because his friend was about to give a speech. I knew it was him and that perked up my mood and made my day lovelier. Still, I didn’t dare to look at his face for even one second, because I really couldn’t. I didn’t want him to get this impression about me that I was flirting with him, though that was my intention (hehe).

After the second day of the conference, most of the people were waiting outside for whatever reasons they had. And he was there too talking to teachers and other friends. I just love the idea that he was just around and I could have a reflection of his profile. Ofcourse, I was kilig again.. but that was just it…hanggang sulyap and being kilig…

Part three: the sad part, good lunch and Tken

Before the part three happened, I was informed that “kalbo” guy has a crush on somebody, whom I don’t know who that person is, and that brakes my heart.haay...

The conference was finally over, and in fair ness very successfully done (congrats Wodlab!!!). We decided to have lunch with this boss that we truly, really miss so much! It was a good lunch, we had good food, good talk, about us, our kids, the conference. Oh I miss Tken again….haaay…

After an hour or so, few more bosses came and joined us. One of which was also the former teacher of this “kalbo” guy. We were talking and talking and then somebody just told the whole world that I have a crush on this guy. I must have felt embarrassed, normally I would, but I did not because it is true. No reason to deny it.

Part four: The dilemma

Here’s the thing, I really want to know this guy because I am attracted to him, but I don’t know how. I am too cowardly to do anything to get in touch with him. I just can’t do the first move, that’s it. I really wish I could.

There is something in me that tells me, why not take this chance. I am afraid that I’d be disappointed and be hurt again, so I choose to play safe.

If nothing happens in the next few weeks or months, maybe that’s the answer I am waiting. That this chance isn’t really for me, that this story won’t have another chapter.

playing with the rules is fair enough for me

More or less five years from now, I want to be a wife, a happily married wife. I kinda picture myself, how would I be like when that time comes. It’s amazing because I know I will be a good one, that one I am quite sure.

But who’s gonna be my husband, is a different thing. The status could be like…am still waiting.

I’ve met a few guys whom I prayed and dreamed to be that guy I can be with for the rest of my life, but so far, not so good. They just come and go, which really makes me sad and think twice what could be wrong. I try to figure it out, the reasons why it never came to a point that it was mutual or serious enough to be called a relationship. It’s either they are not available, good for just pakiramdaman or too immature to be in a relationship. It’s always me investing the feeling, but they’re the one who profit from it. Now let’s talk about unfairness!

The thing is, I’m too conservative when it comes to this kind of thing. I am not a fan of flings (no offense…), but I just don’t believe in that. If I would be with someone, for sure it’ll last.

I never learned my lesson though, so many times it happened, just the same story, me falling in, hurting for a long time, falling out with a broken heart. I am just too stubborn and unaware of the rules of this game. The thing is I stick with the rules.

I may not be gaining anything from this, but playing it fairly is a reason enough for me to believe that one day, I’ll be meeting my prince charming.

This week was pretty ingenious indeed because I was able to write few songs that usually takes weeks to be done. Maybe I was inspired, oh right… let me rephrase that one, maybe I was too emotional.

My dream is that one day, these words will be sung with a melody, I am not yet sure who will do it for me.

I Don’t Wanna Be a Stranger
Oct. 19, 2007
by: phnas

How would you feel when one day you’d wake up
Like everything’s different and astray
The brightness of days is hiding
All things make you feel afraid

I don’t wanna be a stranger
To my world that gives me comfort
To the people I love and care for
I don’t wanna be a stranger
To the places where I’ve been
To me, the self that I know

I wanna see who I really am
No more lies and pretensions
No more wanna be somebody else

I wanna be the person
Who’s sure of what she wants
Who’ll accept who she really am

It’s never too late
To start to know who you are
Saying goodbye to the stranger
Will make you a better star
That will shine amongst the rest
Amongst everything you believed were the best

Everyday is a Different Day
October 22, 2007
by: phnas

Another day
Another story
Another chapter to be unfolded

Don’t be afraid
To face this day
Good things are on the way

CHORUS:

Everyday is a different day
With new chances to take
Don’t worry it’s never too late
To fix all your mistakes
Everyday is a different day
No time to bring back the past
Move on, it’ll lighten up your path
And be where you should at

Take risks once in a while
Don’t think twice to try your luck
Maybe this time is a different kind
Of day…… a better…a luckier…and a different day

Another day
Another story
Another chapter to be unfolded

Dream My Dreams
October 27, 2007
by: phnas

I spent my nights dreaming
About the things I would want to happen between you and me
I don’t wanna open my eyes so I could see you still
But forever can’t be like that

CHORUS:

I wanna wake up
Face the sunlight
Believe the truth that you can’t be mine
It’s painful to imagine the things that will remain as dreams
I wish I could change what’s meant for me

I know this would fade away, just fade away
Things are not real
Dreams never gonna come true
But my heart is with you all the time
Strong faith that soon I am gonna be in your mind too
Dreaming the same dreams I used to

I pray someone would hear me
Make me stop for a while and believe the reality
That not all dreams can come true
No matter how badly we want them too

The Friendship Once We Had

The Friendship Once We Had
08/22/07
written by:phnas

We started okay
Colleagues, then becoming good friends
Take out lunches we do everyday
Great conversations that we shared together

Days with you didn’t seem to end

But one day, you came to me
And said, “I love you more than just a friend”
I got scared and wanted to let go
Because I had the fear of losing you so

CHORUS:
I wish you didn’t say that you love me
I wish that I didn’t hear the words that would make me go away
I wish that everything would remain the same
My heart is too coward to risk the both of us
To give in to the feelings and be happy for a while
Please be the person I used to know
Bring back the friendship once we had

Am I fool to turn my back on you?
You might not understand the foolish things I’ve done
But I hope one day will come and make you realize
That I once dreamed to be forever at your side

Please be the friend I used to know
I need you, I need the friendship once we had

My Wish List

For me, celebrating my birthday means being given another opportunity to fix things up and start again. Adding a year to my age does not distress me, on the other hand, I get excited, hearing greetings from my loved ones and friends, receiving gifts and making me feel special and remembered on that special day make my heart leaps for joy.

But this year, things are bit different. It’s like I don’t feel that September 4 is coming. I’m not conscious enough that I’ll be 22 in a day time and I haven’t really planned on what to do. I just pray that it would not be like any ordinary day that would just pass by insignificantly…

Anyways, at least I've thought of some things I want to do at 22:

*to have a social life once a week (a movie with mama, eat out, meet friends will do)
*to have a time to sit down, sip coffee and read a good book every once in a while.
*to go to the gym at least once a week.
*to regularly go to mass.
*to invest on personal things.
*to save money.
*to see my daddy and half-brothers more often.
*to keep in touch with my friends always.
*to sleep and rest.
*to be madaldal.
*to write, write, write a lot!
*and hopefully in God’s will, to have “an answered prayer”.

Fear of Mr. Dursley's look alikes...lol

Do psychiatrists have a name for the fear of foreigners? Well, I studied Psychology myself but haven’t heard of that one. Wondering why am I asking? Because I think I have that kind of fear, hehe. No, really, especially the old and huge ones, like Mr. Dursley in Harry Potter (yikes!).

Only few close friends know this but it’s true. I can’t stand being close to them. When I was in Galera (where there are foreigners all around!) I hid from them and had my bes cover me almost all the time we were wandering the bar areas (scary talaga..). He was laughing at me because I was so weird daw. I didn’t enjoy that trip much, and it’s all because of those beasts!!! I couldn’t go out at night and had myself trapped in the room watching blurry cable tv shows...playing card games and scrabbles…now tell me, was that cool?gggrrr….

I am pretty sure that I wasn’t traumatized with foreigners when I was a kid,so no history of it. Maybe it’s just paranoia, yet still weird and yah a bit ridiculous if you would just think about it. Crazy me!

But what I know is that, for a person to get rid of a certain fear, she should be exposed to that thing that she is afraid of (forgot the term.). In my case, I need to deal with people like Mr. Dursley…gosh! This is torture!!!

Another chance...

Pagkakataon

08/19/07

written by: phnas


Pagkakataon and aking hiling
Para simulan muli itong pangarap
Minsang pagsuko’t pagkakamali
Ay kalimutan kasama ng mga ulap

Tiwala sa sarili ang kailangan
Tatag ng loob at pananampalataya
Sipag at tiyaga ang panlaban
Sa hamo’t pagsubok na nakaamba

Panahon na para tumayo sa sariling mga paa

Patunayan sa sarili na kayang-kaya
Tuparin ang ninanais at ikaliligaya
Di dapat sumuko sa isang kisap-mata
Tuloy-tuloy lang hangga’t may pag-asa

Kapag nadapa, tumayo’t magsimula
Nang walang takot at pangamba
Paulit-ulit man at nakakasawa
Magkamali at matuto ang mahalaga

A song for Jess

A Song for Jess
06/20/07
written by: phnas

Tears run down on my face
Hopes run dry in my heart
Nobody seemed to care
Everything seems to turn back on my side
It’s all me myself and thy God!

I whisper His name, my friend, my Father
Helps through these awful times are fading away
Im struggling, weary and troubled
Whom can I turn to? Whom can I call?
It’s all me, myself and thy God!

The world is busy with things it has
People are not contented, dissatisfied
Pre-occupied with gold and glory
Priorities changin, lives are complicated
Whom can I turn to? Whom can I call?
It’s all me, myself and thy God!

Let us be reminded of God’s love
Him, whom we can turn to, whom we can call
In our happiest and toughest times
It’s you, yourself and thy God!

An OLD Question

I am a reading and spelling teacher, I handle special kids with Learning Disabilities. One part of our program is called Oral Language Development (OLD). It aims to develop kids’ ability to express their feelings and views in complete and organized manner because most of them have disarray thoughts. Having this job for more than a year, I could say that I am really getting used to it, that sometimes I am doing it with my friends already, during lunch outs, dinner get-togethers or during even a chit-chat over the phone. It’s a funny feeling when I realize after doing that, that I actually treated my friends as my students. Well, it’s the teacher in me working!

Anyways, let’s go back to the OLD part. If there is one question I would like to ask myself right now, honestly, it would be this: Am I satisfied with my life? (pretty hard huh!). And to tell you the truth, I am not sure what to answer yet.

Admit it. We, human beings naturally don’t feel satisfied easily, especially with life in general. Everyday, we ask more and more things. Our hunger for contentment and happiness is infinite. That sometimes, we don’t know when to stop asking. Sad but true…

I wake up in the morning and ask myself, why my life isn’t changing the way I planned and wanted it? I know I am working hard, but it’s just the fruit of my labor as they call it, that is not in front of me. Why can’t I have it tangibly, now or sooner? Yah, you may ask why am I so raring to go for it. I don’t know, maybe I compete with time, with age. I want to achieve so many things with my life, with so little time and if I will be stacked to this kind of living for quite a long while, things that I want to do would be narrowed down. And at the end, I know I would still feel unsatisfied.

God has plans for me. I am sure of that and whatever they are, I believe that they will really make me truly happy, that those plans will serve my purpose here. I am trying to lift everything to Him and trust Him with my life, with everything I do. I still fail, many times, but I know I am learning. It’s a good start. J

So, did I nail the OLD question, well obviously not, but I am hopeful that soon, very soon, God will make me realize how to best answer that it.