Current Status: In Hiatus!
Super busy!!!! But happy!!!
Great news!: Mike’s out of the hospital na!!
I m registered for December’s NMAT sched.
I am enrolling for this second sem to finish the required
subjects for med.

• I want to write books

• I want to sew dresses

• I want to put up a small organization where I can teach unprivileged kids to read

• I hope I am rich, not for the money, but for the reason that I know I can do much much more if I do have enough resources.

Roller Coaster of Emotions

Have you been to a situation wherein you wished something have stopped but you weren’t sure how would you be like after that happened? You wanted it to end as quickly as possible but you were sure you’d be at lost, morose, pathetic.

Honestly, I don’t know what I covet to prevent, but I am sure there is something. It makes me crazy, figuratively. I can’t even tell myself why, what’s going on inside my head, my heart, my body, or maybe my soul could be included. Tell me it sucks, right? You are living in a clueless world, all uncertain, all things you do without any rationale at all. You are suspended, hanged, you don’t even know how to get to the other end of the cut bridge. Falling, dropping, pulled by gravity, you are not in control, but you want to hold on because you’d rather choose to live like this than to live in improbability. Does this make sense? Well, at least yes for me.

All I know is I’m tired, maybe of everything. Don’t get me wrong, ok. It’s not my meaning to sound in the depths of despair or with nothing to live for or something. But it’s just like that. This could all be nonsense babbles. Maybe. It’s therapeutic, so I won’t care whatever you think. (ok, that doesn’t sound like me talking)

Pain.
I think I am gradually losing the feeling of comfort with her. It feels like being around her doesn’t seem like I am within my sanctuary anymore. I know she listens, but she doesn’t understand. Maybe, it’s just that she has a lot things going on with her, I don’t know. I hope it’s just like that. When I talk to her or give her advice, I felt like a religious lecturer giving her thoughts about life, rather than a long time friend. It doesn’t feel like me telling her to do this because I think it will help her, friend to friend palavers. It’s not like that anymore. The wordless days between us hurt me, so much. There are times that I doubt myself if I can still disclose the real me to her, no reservations, no what- ifs, with no judgment at all. Are we losing us?

Mess.
Plans. Schedules. Organizers. Time frame. Distractions. Temptations. Giving in. Stupidity. Qualms. Lost time. Lost effort. Lost faith. Regrets. Melancholy. Moving on, but still a mess. Definition of me, now.

Uncertainty.
This is my mortal enemy. It bugs me all the time, everywhere. It makes me inattentive to the people, blessings, opportunities around me, hence preventing me to live a life. I know it’s been discussed, way overdone, but it has this certain attraction that drags me towards it effortlessly. Career, relationships, purpose, home, community, promises, faith, fate, ALL uncertain. Where I am headed, what will I do? I am not sure…

Aspirations.
God has given me so much ability, some I just put aside, some I wasn’t even aware was there, some I didn’t have the guts to recognize, some I am boastful about (in a good way), some I just deal with as if everyone could have it so easily, like we are all born with it. I was uncaring at all. I search tenaciously, unending search of my purpose here. I try very hard to explore where I am supposed to be headed, so I’d come prepared. I try to be patient as well, but sadly, it’s not getting me anywhere. It is because subconsciously it’s spelled out already for me, a very long time ago. I kept on searching unremittingly because I am hoping, somehow, the path would curl, and it would give up transgressing obediently within the trail made for it. I would be in control and what’s planned would change, headed towards the course I want. But what if He is more stubborn than me, like a stanch parent to His child?

I need unswerving patience. I will wait.
I need adequate amount of time to think, to feel, to wallow, to understand. I will wait.
I need to be filled with so so so much love. I will wait.
I need to learn how to trust. I will give myself time.
I need to understand that not all things come as one. I will understand.
I need to be content and not wanting. I will try.
I need to disown everyone and everything. I will try.
I need to have faith to realize all these things. I will rely on His faith in me.

I feel best when…I’ve adhered to my weekly schedule effectively.
No one but me knows… that I want to be a *toooooot*…secret!
When it’s rainy I … often get lonesome and useless.
My favorite activity… would be engaging myself in different kinds of sports.
On weekends I like to … sleep a lot, pig out, watch endlessly and read.
When I’m bored… I hate myself.
Sometimes I like to… daydream about my future life.
If only my teacher… didn’t spread my “embarrassing stupidity” back in high school.
The best time I ever had … was when me, my daddy and mama went to Star City when I was a kid.
Something strange that I saw … was a nude and drunk guy on the driver seat at 6 am at the rear gate of UST. *shocking!*
What I dislike most about school… status in life somehow dictates the quality of education a child could get
When I first wake up … I check my phone, plug in the tv for news and do my personal morning routines.
I was really embarrassed … when I bawled during my valedictory speech in front of teachers, parents, and batch mates.
I’m glad my best friend … didn’t have a romantic love towards me.
It makes me tired when … after a long exhausting day, I don’t have something to look forward to, to release my stress.
When I am grouchy … I eat sinful foods, cry and sleep early.
At times I’d like to … to be a typical someone.
A friend would not … judge you for what you’ve done, either good or bad.
I wish my parents … met at the right time.
Having a pet… is one of the few things I haven’t done.
I really enjoy … out of town trips, traveling and nature tripping.
If I had three wishes … it would be to fulfill my dreams for my mama, kuya and myself, to have a wonderful family in the future and to be happy always.
Playing games … give me confidence.
What really drives me crazy … are breads, books and dvd series, magazines, recipe books, sewing, my students, how unrated the teachers are, kalbo and stocky guys
When I’m older … I’ll be a good mom, a loving wife, a more mature and more responsible Christian, a successful doctor, a traveler and still a teacher.
Homework … thank God, I don’t have it now.
What I like most about myself … is I forgive me.
I can best be described as … Juday look a like???? Waaaahhhh!!!!!!
Something that makes me laugh … are the things people consider as not funny.
I get angry when … I don’t know… seriously.

The Gentleman Player

It was the first time that this girl had ever known that something called love. It didn’t start as an infatuation, like it usually does in common love stories. This was something let us say magical. Yes, even at a young age of 10, she understood how the magic of love could change how she saw things.

It was a typical afternoon in the field. After school hour at around 5 pm, this was the time when coaches and players would rush in the quadrangle to practice. Girls and boys and sometimes gays were also there to see their crushes play. This time was one of the most exciting times of the day for her, aside from recess and lunch times. She was not one of the on lookers. She was the one playing volleyball in the field. The sport she never had an interest at first. She was just compelled to join because she was one of the big girls in the room who the coach hand picked because she thought she would be of help in the court, having an extra weight and height, she could intimidate the opponents. But it was never like that because she was not an ace player, never born to be one. She was satisfied sitting on the bench during actual games, though she was a little bit ashamed of it especially when people call her water girl. But it didn’t matter. She didn’t wish to be in that situation in the first place, so not affected at all. And who cared anyway?

District meet was nearing so all volleyball players, girls and boys, were double timing in practicing. That particular afternoon, she was feeling so bad. Her services were not good; her performance was a justification that she would not be better than a bench player. She couldn’t get her groove while everyone was playing well. She was losing the little confidence she had. Then, he approached her and helped her out. He got the ball and smoothly showed her how to properly receive as well as to return it. He talked like an expert. It was obvious he knew his craft and was very good at it. He gave instruction as if it was so uncomplicated. He made volleyball so easy. She couldn’t remember if it was only her he was teaching or the rest of the team. He looked so handsome, and that’s what mattered. Surprisingly, it seemed weird. She was seeing him every single school day, being in the same section for the last five years, but it was just that day that he began to exist in her world. That day had changed a lot of things in her life. This gave her a reason to be early in school everyday, to try to look prim and proper all the time, to get higher grades and aim for top position in the classroom. Every glimpse, every conversation, every exchange of papers during exams, every time they seated on the same row, every time he gave compliments and congratulations, everything started to be meaningful all of a sudden. She was inspired. She had a crush, a real one. She made “kulot” as his code name so she could talk about him unreservedly with her best friend. He made her school days perfect all the time. He never knew, though his friends noticed. And it ended like that, just like that, but she was happy because she was in love.

Another four years passed. He continued to be this talented-star-player-awed-by-many type of student. Though they went to the same school, all she could do was to stare at him from afar. She’d always want to approach him and say hi, but she never had the guts to do it. She was sure she’ll be dumb struck by his presence. She hated it that he was growing up as a good looking guy. More and more, she was losing hope that he would notice her. Every time she’d go to school earlier, seeing him was a big marvel for her. Their lives were so different, she was striving to be an excellent student, and he was making a name for himself as a viable player. They had different priorities.

One day, she felt she died when she found out he was involved with someone, someone prettier than her. That was like a bullet perfectly aimed at her heart. There were endless crying nights and pathetic moments. It made her insecure and made her question what was wrong with her. It seemed that whatever she worked hard for was meaningless. She lost hope that love really exists. It was her dream to be with him. More friends knew about this. They tried to console her, to cheer her up and to make her realize that she could move on. But they were all wrong. Her heart was the most stubborn heart in the world. She loved him. That’s what mattered. She would wait and selfishly wished that he’d be single again, but it didn’t happen. He was a great guy inside and outside the court. That made her more in loved with him.

When would she move on? That was her sole question. She wanted to stop dreaming that he’s the man with whom she’s going to spend the rest of her life with. More than a decade of loving him was too much to bear. She wanted the hope to leave her alone, but it’s as stubborn as her.

If there’s one thing she learned from this, it is that in high school, love may not be forever.

decisions made

These past few days, I’ve been thinking a lot about some matters.

First, did I make the right decision to let us be “normal friends” again like we used to? I know once I over stepped, things would not be the same. And I am sticking to my decision just to let it go because I stand in what I believe in. When it comes to God, anything becomes non- negotiable. I am happy because I know my Daddy Jess has better plans for me. He will come, in time. And when that time comes, I’ll be one of the happiest ladies in the world. We will grow together in faith.

Secondly, my friend Mike is still in the hospital, fighting his cancer. He had gone to ICU and operation to take out the fluids in his body. We know that he will overcome this trial. He is a living testimony that God really works in mysterious ways and there are really miracles in life. He is a survivor, we are with him in this battle, I am with him. When I pray for him, I can’t help but to cry a lot. I want him to survive this. We still have so many plans once he get out of the hospital and things become as they used to be. I keep on telling him that I am so excited to see him out and healthy again because it will be another life, a renewed life for him. I know Mike will come out as a better man. God is merciful, nothing is impossible to Him and we claim that Mike will be healed. I love you Mike. We all love you sooooo much!!!!! I wish I can spend more time with you in the hospital but I will never stop praying for you, together with our block mates. God is good. Life is beautiful. You keep on thanking us and telling us how happy you are because we are with you. But it is us that are so proud of you, your heart and faith that keep on giving you strength. We love you Mike!

Third, I know it would come to this point that I would regret or maybe feel sad at least about the things, feelings and people I let go in the past. When I heard that he’s back with her, I think, I was kind of asking myself, why am I affected? Well…. It happened already, I can’t do anything about it anymore. Thank God I am happy.

Goodbye for now, Ketsy... see you again... I am going to miss you a LOT!!!

She’s been a constant companion to me, in school and more in community. When I found out that she’s going to teach abroad, several things went off in my mind. Questions like, who will I seek advice from regarding my personal problems? Who will persevere to invite me to attend the prayer meetings on Friday nights, whenever I feel so lazy and tempted to go out with friends instead of going to the community? Who will cheer me up when I find myself crying all the time? She’s been the sister that I never had… So knowing that she’ll be going, it’s kind of tearing a piece of what I have become because of her. I fear that I would go back to who I was before I met her. The Phnas that was so introvert, so self- centered, a cry baby, and easily depressed. Things might become haywire again.

Tomorrow, she’s gonna leave for States. I spent the last two days with her. I chose to sleep over in her place than going to my Saturday classes. Yesterday, we had a picnic with her. I told her, it’s not her parting that brings me down because I know she’ll always be there for me no matter what. It’s more of being so scared what would happen to me when she’s not physically beside me.

I know that this might just be a test from God, whether if I will make it on my own. I hope I will not fail Him.

It’s true pala na when someone goes, someone comes…again.. Yesterday, I got a surprised call from Keita’s aunt and she told me that Keita didn’t leave the country because his visa wasn’t approved. And I was able to talk to him! Imagine that! And I might just be counting few more days before I get to see him again!...Haaay… God is Great! As always!

Lately
By: Phnas
Finished on July 7, 2008


Lately, life’s not easy between you and me
Lately, I got lost, chose the wrong path almost
I needed time, wanted to do some things
Trying to get away from regularity
I was happy outside, I know I was
Trying out what it’s like without you by my side

But the feeling didn’t last
I’ve realized, I really need you in my life

CHORUS:

Another chance is all I’m asking
Please make myself complete again
Bring me to life, bring back the pain
But this time, I am sure I can make it through
Because you are with me

Lately I was broken, but now I am whole again
Because you are here.
Because you love me.

I used to question my friends why couples, regardless of age, suddenly become silly, babyish, immature, and things like that when they talk to their partners. I see it with my brother and his girlfriend, with my co-teachers and close friends (no offense! haha). It was an issue for me, because my perception of being into a relationship is for the two people to become maturer, in terms of the things they talk about, what they do, how they deal with their emotions and concerns, and how to fight for their relationship for it to last, etc. But, i think i overlooked it. I was trapped within the notion that courting for "older" people MUST be serious and mature ALL THE TIME. I stand corrected... well...

What they said was true, that "Phnas, you wouldn't get it, unless you're in that exact situation". Siguro nga....

Enjoy. Weird. Funny in a way. Highschoolish. Kilig.

My third year of teaching started heavily. I think not only for me, but for my co-teachers as well. Things have changed a lot…as in a lot! People, responsibilities, workplace, relationships and i think also me? maybe.

Before the school year started, i had high hopes that this would be my greatest and happiest teaching year, being my last year of stay in Wordlab, but it seems like, it'd be difficult to realize that now. Sad.

Good thing is, i still have my boys... thank you God!

Thank you for making me smile in the morning when I wake up…and not letting my day ends without a happy heart…

In the Shadows of Tears
June 6, 2008
9:35- 10:06am

I remembered those days, when we were together
When we sat back and just laughed, over the same things
Everything was still, everything was still….
But time passes and life changes
The old “us” is now dying away…

CHORUS:
They are leaving me in the shadows of tears
Crying alone, no trusting hands to hold on to
I remain constant where I am
They’re all gone, they’re all gone
Where would I go?
How would I start, living again?
When would I stop, waiting….?

I bow my head in prayer that they’ll all be okay
Lift up everything, sorrows and anger
Help me to accept this selflessly
Don’t feel sorry for my choice to stay
And be happy where they are going
In new places they all call home

Someday we’ll meet again, just like the old times
Fixing the broken pieces left by the aches
I will still be here, happy to welcome you back
To the home where we all grew up

I Will Be Here

By Phnas: March 25, 2008

1:20 am

Under the clear sky

Beneath the still stars

A song was made

An endless story of you and me

CHORUS:

When I hear the music playing

Melodies being sung

I remember you, the promise I made

I will be here, us, together, forever

The words tell the story of a promise

The melody, like a shelter that gives comfort

Unspoken care, you relentlessly keep within you

I want to tell you, I miss you and

I am just here, I will be here, forever

In a different time, in a different place

We will not be the same persons we both used to know

Lots of things could have changed

But a promise made out of love and care

Will be in us forever until the end of time

I missed blogging!

Yes, it’s been a while, and I truly missed writing in my blog. So many things happened in the span of more or less than a month. Here’s a quick review:

(not in particular order)

Personal life

1. I am still single… but there’s more story to it…to be discussed next time.
2. I still don’t know how to start being a daughter again to my daddy
3. I am happy though…. But I’ve been prancing around in a particular level of happiness for a while now…I am not yet happier

Spiritual Life

1. I’m in a crisis right now. The high feeling has surpassed after the retreat and I am again being dragged down to my old ways.
2. the shepherding is not that working for me, because I resist. I don’t know if this is for me.

Social Life

1. our Zambales trip pushed thru and it was super successful. So many unforgettable and fun memories were laid up.
2. I miss my bes.

Career

1. I’m excited for the coming school year because first, I will see my kids again, second there will be new teachers and I will be the ate and third, I love the workplace more.

Future Plans:

1. NMAT review is ongoing.
2. planning to take MT courses for future needs

yesterday was such an inspiring day and an eye opener! seeing those kids with cancer enjoying the games, the balloons, the magic show, the food and the prayers..despite what they and their parents are going through...haaay...i can't stop thanking Daddy Jess for blessing me with good health and better life.

It's always like...

situation A: You like this guy, but the guy likes another girl

or

situation B: The guy likes you, but you see the guy as a friend

Ang sakit sa ulo!

I thought this day was fine. I had dinner with friends. I had fine sessions with my students. But I’ve realized some things that really made me sad and made me feel sorry for myself. I’ve never been hurt like this before. It’s sinking in how I can’t enjoy what I am and what I have.

While in the bus going to the dinner. I was thinking about Keita. I was asking myself why I love that kid so much and I’ve realized that he is one of the reasons why I want to be contented with everything God has given me. I am missing him terribly. I can’t stop crying when I think about him. It could be the struggles I did go through, it could be the effort that I put into, it could be those times where we hugged each other endlessly for every accomplishment he had, for every letter he was able to name and remember, for all those times when he made me smile and forget all the stress teaching had given me, for all those moments when I was really proud of what he became. I miss Keita, and it’s just now that things are starting to be real. That I am not going to see him for a very long time, maybe never again.

The last day I saw him, I had a breakdown when he left. I don’t want to let go of him but I don’t have a choice. He needs to go….he needs to go. Even though he could have left the country already, I’m still holding on to everything and still looking forward for the next school day because I know I will still see him. We will still do the high fives that only the both of us know how to before starting our sessions. But I know at the back of my mind, I know it’s telling me to stop this but I can’t really stop crying and I don’t want to.

I want to give up asking and waiting for answers… the pain that I have to go through is unbearable already…I want it to stop. I don’t want it anymore.

Ass is a sin- AZ

I’ve been suffering from sore eyes for the past 3 to 4 days now. I hate it because it’s delaying my plan and schedule, but on the other hand, it’s good that it happened because I have a right to be a bum for couple of days. I didn’t go home to Alabang today and did not tutor Andy as scheduled. I told her I can’t make it and just ask her parents for help. Added to that, I reminded her to have fun doing it. And here what she replied: I NEVER HAVE FUN DOING HW B-), IF U HAVE FUN THAT’S A SIN… haha.

Haay si Andy.... Oh how I love her!!!!

want vs need

It’s my prayer to decipher where I should be heading in a year time. I want to go to med school very much but I need to work and help support my family as well. It’s hard to be in between, really hard! Time is ticking and soon I am afraid that one day, it‘s times up and I need to choose and decide, no turning back and leave it for tomorrow kind of thing.

But more or less, I think God is making His way to let me get and accept the message and his plan for me. The parents I am working with never fail to let me know that I am really helping their kids and that their kids love me. I never had a troubled relationship in any of my students, though lots of rough times if I may say. I treat them as my siblings and as my babies, to be honest! It’s been a very wonderful journey with them. I will not trade this experience of a life time for any material things in this world!

What I think is that God wants me to make a difference by teaching and taking care of these amazing kids with special needs. This insight, which I am trying to disallow and not to let enter my mind is getting more realistic each day, which is really scary for me! Daddy Jess is showering me with offers to teach and handle kids, that these parents are actually, as I may quote “ giving a punch on me” to try to help their kids even if my training and education to begin with is not directly related to special education. It is just so faltering to hear that and to know that I am helping to make these kids’ lives better.

To be honest, I still don’t know, it is just I can’t see myself as a teacher for the rest of my life. Well, I could continue but this should not be the only thing I’d be doing in the future. Maybe, I will go to school and then teach a few kids. I have so many plans, so many things and possibilities to explore. I don’t know, I don’t want to think about it anymore but I can’t help it but to think about it. Oh I hate myself!

With all these things happening, I’ve just realized, I must be doing something right.

Year 2002, I was first year college then and was sooooo reclusive. I entered UST knowing nobody, even previous school mates in high school. The first day of class, I was lost. You are a freshman if you look so ignorant and missing that you would ask every single student and guards on your way to your class room. You did not care about what the senior students say about you, all you care is not to be late on your first class. That was all you cared about. Thinking back about that brings me the feeling of humiliation. What if those senior students were really laughing at me, that I really looked like a strayed sheep on a huge field? I must have cried then if I was conscious of it, well, that was history!

Anyways, good thing was, I arrived on time, but the problem was, I got in the wrong classroom. My registration form said that I should go to CAL-2 for my Zoology class, so there was an L in the name of the room, so maybe it’s a laboratory since it is Zoology. I got to the main building where a guard, whom I wanted to curse by the way, led me to CL-2, a computer laboratory!!!! Oh gosh! panic mode again. This time, it’s for real because few more minutes I was expecting to hear a bell, like in high school and worst was, what if I got in late for that class, all my new classmates would witness my dramatic arrival and the professor would be mad and things like that were running on my mind.!

Fortunately, that didn’t happen. Well I was late but I wasn’t alone! What a relief! The reason was, I got run into another girl who seemed lost as well, and I soon found out that we were headed on the same class. She happened to be my first ever buddy in USTE. Her name is Anna Margarita Cruz. I call her Marge until now. We were inseparable in our first year in college. We waited for each other going to our first class, ate out for lunch, studied in the library, boy watched together in the field, seatmates and groupmates forever. The two of us basically was considered a clique in that sense. I remembered that I would not go to any GA or parties without her. I would sleep over to their town house behind GMA Network, talked about what music and books we like, our love lives, her family, plan our ukay ukay trips, listen to the Master Showman production numbers on a late Saturday night, that used to happen outside the GMA building (by the way that was so funny!), etc. We would know if we did not like the party and needed to go to a different place to continue to enjoy.

But she transferred to Ateneo the next school year, that was a real shocker! I found myself not knowing how would I be when she’s gone.

More or less 6 years after that, communication and meet ups are cut up. We rarely hear from each other. Our schedule could not meet, she’s busy in med school, my time is eaten mostly by my work and other community activities. Ending, I miss her so much!

That separation opened my door to new friendships. If that didn’t happen I wouldn’t have stood on my own and haven’t started to explore what college life is. I wasn’t secluded anymore by the four walls of my house, school and our friendship. I formed new relationships and was able to survive, hence I was able to experience the things a normal college student must have gone through.

This morning, she texted me and she said we could meet up next week since she is on vacation and I am pretty much too. I am so excited to see her again after maybe 2 years. I think the last time I saw her was days before my birthday back in 2006, when I went to Ateneo to help her out with her study/ thesis then. Well, it’s been a while, let’s see what would happen. Can’t wait!

*Palm Beach Resort, Laiya Batangas, April 1, 2008, 5:30 am

Karagatan

By Phnas

April 1, 2008

Halika, hawakan ang aking kamay

At tayo’y maglakbay sa kawalan

Tulad ng dagat na di tarok ang hangganan

Magtiwala at tayo’y may patutunguhan

Kalmadong tubig at hangin ang hangad na maranasan

Sa agos ng buhay na walang sakit at pangamba

Hayaang ito ang magdikta ng kapalaran

Pag-asang sa huli, lahat ay magiging ganap

Umapak sa buhanginan, hapdi at sarap ang dulot

Sa bawat hakbang, bigat ng paa at iyong katawan

Pinong buhangi’y nananatiling kaagapay sa paghahanap ng daan

Isang kahilingang huwag ng matapos ang lahat

Ang katahimikan ng puso’t isip na dala ng dagat

Tunay na kamangha- mangha ang gawa ng Maylikha

Isang lugar kung saan maaaring makawala ang mga pangamba

Huminto panandalian ang mundo at lumutang sa walang kasiguruhan

Oras at panahon na igugugol lamang sa paghanga ng isang gawa

Ang alon, ang agos, ang alat, mga buhay na umaasa sa bigay ng dagat

Isang paraisong maaaring pagsimulan at pagwakasan ng buhay

Ialay ang lahat sa Amang nagbigay

Unending Journey

April 1, 2008

By Phnas

Oh Lord please take my hand

I want to trust you with all my life

Bring me to a place where I can be yours

All that I have, I’m willing to give up for you

To be with you in an unending journey of life

Take me home where love is abundant

Teach me your words and your ways

Help me live my life in faith

Let me offer all that I am

Give me a chance to take this unending journey with you

CHORUS:

Let me walk beside You my Lord

Hold my hands

Carry my burdens

Bless my soul

Lead me to the right way Oh Lord

Don’t let me look back

Be my direction

Be my strength

Help me live with trust

To be worthy to travel

In this wonderful ride

In an unending journey with You

My summer so far

I was busy. Going from one place to another and meeting friends from high school, college and the recent ones. I spent a lot, bankrupt yet HAPPY. Material things that I lost did not matter too much because I am glad that I gave my time to the people who matter to me.

• I sympathize with a friend who is going through a hard time right now because of his illness, his cancer. I was really shocked when I found out about it, just a few days ago. It was so surreal to me, and it affected my day. I could not believe that that was not a joke, that he has a cancer, for real. It really saddened me. The class showed support to him by attending a lunch date last Saturday. It was so moving to know that we are all in prayers for him to be okay, and to be healthy again. It gave me joy to hear from him, words of thanks because this simple act of support gives him courage and strength to face this challenge with positive attitude and high hopes.

This is just a trial that you have to face, with us…. all of us together. You have us. Have faith that you will be healed. Trust and believe. We all LOVE YOU!!!

• It was Ael’s 23^rd birthday last Saturday also, one of my high school best girlfriend barkadas. She chose to celebrate it with us in an outing. On a tight budget, we still managed to have fun. I miss them all the time, sobra! Even though we talk about the same things, topics and people every time we meet, still, it always feels like the first time we heard those things. We still get excited, annoyed, embarrassed, angry, irritated, etc. It was also the first time I met her boyfriend for two years now. I am really happy for her because I can see that she is happy and contented with how her life has been so far. It was just sad that most of us in the barkada could not come for personal reasons and because they’re busy. Oh how I hate that excuse! But, what can I do? They have their own lives and their reasons, and I can not blame them for being like that, I just need to understand that.

• And that’s not all, the day after that, I was headed to Laiya, Batangas for another outing. This time with my Wordlab School Family. We went to Palm Beach Resort. It was a very relaxing haven. I was able to enjoy a very long day of nothing but appreciating the nature, swimming in the beach, kayaking and snorkeling. Those fishes made me shout a lot of times when they were trying to swim beside me or near me, but it was amazing seeing the corals, school of fishes and other kinds of living things in the sea. At night, Den, Sara, her two nieces and I went star gazing, but unluckily no shooting stars for me. Nice chit chats, laughter, great food, great place and ammenities, new adventures and experiences and unforgettable memories and people are the things that I will recount when I talk again about my summer getaways this 2008.

Thank you Daddy Jess for every single blessing!

A One Day Affair

By Phnas

April 1, 2008

First time our eyes met

A certain connection felt

Total strangers to each other

Introductions never happened

Stolen stares from a far

But it was illicit

Could not look at his eyes

Could not even speak a single word

A taboo to talk about the feeling

All happened on that one day

Somewhere

A beautiful place

And then silently

She needed to say goodbye

Forget all about this

Pretend it’s a dream

No beginning, no ending

Just a one day affair

That should be gone with the wind

Fireflies! Fire! Light! Burn! Exist!

I came across this poem in one of Fulghum’s books, I didn’t get the meaning the first time I read it, but it could mean different things to different people, why don’t you deduce what it means also…

I know some people who give off a lot of light. Because they have absorbed a lot of light themselves. They shine. This is not the kind of light you can actually see with your eyes, of course. But there are lots of parts of the spectrum of light we can’t see. We experience the results of its existence. It takes a different kind of looking.

To look this way is to see.

To see is to have vision.

To have vision is to understand.

To understand is to know.

To know is to become.

To become is to live fully.

To live fully is to matter.

And to matter is to become light.

And to become light is to be loved.

And to be loved is to burn.

And to burn is to exist.

Off and On.

My Little Keita

Sometimes, I wonder if my kids would still remember me when they grow up. I think that is one of the worries of teachers, whether they admit it consciously or suppress it, whether they would leave a mark to their students’ lives or not. This is lame! I know! But this is a big issue for me. I want to really hold on to my kids, but of course, reality check! That is not possible, day will come that I have to let go of them, one by one. Just thinking about it, it’s terrible! Believe me!

Being with kids is absolutely amazing, being in love with them and being loved by them is one of the most incredible feelings you could ever feel.

They love you sincerely and naively

They don’t judge you

They don’t care who you are and who you have been

They believe you, even the dumbest thing you’d say, they would agree with it, just like you are the cleverest adult they knew

They play with you and take great pride if you lose to them, even if they didn’t realize it was your intention for them to win.

They are vulnerable, gullible and sensitive

And most of all, they are true people whom you can trust

They are real, what you see is what you get

I envy them, not because of their childhood and their youth

I envy them because they do not complicate things

They are passive with the temporariness of things around them

They are naïve, and all they care is to be happy.

Don’t you want to be a kid again?

Who doesn’t want to?

He didn’t start with me. I was not his first teacher. He is this typical ADHD kid, whom you literally need to chase around the room. Especially in his “hyper” days, you’d find the two of you reading on the couch, spelling while standing on the table, playing while reading, and do activities that would let him expel his energy on something. But despite all those things, I really prayed to God to have that kid. And it happened after more or less 6 months. It was an answered prayer! I became Keita’s teacher. I was so happy then!

His hyperactivity improved and is more controllable as days passed by. His performance in reading and spelling is improving as well. Everything is going smoothly, until last month, I found out that his mom who lives and works in Japan is planning to get Keita and be with her for good. It paralyzed me when I heard that from his guardian! I was asking myself, was this real? Did it really happen? Did I hear it right?

The answer is Yes! sadly, his tita really said that to me.

Yesterday could be the last day that I would ever see him. He was late pa nga, that he called me to tell me he would be late. I love hearing his cute little voice, his tagalong is “matatas” as they would say it, though is a japinoy. I was like his mommy telling him “ oh, maligo ka na dali, para di ka masyado malate, tatapusin pa natin yung arts natin”. And then when he gave the phone to his tita, I heard him say, “ Sabi ni Teacher ligo na daw ako, dali!”. Haaayyy…… One time, I remember while he was eating, he suddenly said, “ Alam mo teacher may naiisip ako!, parang ikaw and mommy ko!”. I wanted to hug him endlessly and never let go of him at that moment. If only I could…

I don’t want to say goodbye to him when he goes to Japan, but he promised me he would call me before he goes. ( naiiyak na ako…..sh*t!).Ayoko na..

Basta, I just pray that someday I’d see and talk to him again. Though, I am pretty sure he would not be the same hyper Keita that I know, pero sana he will be happy in Japan and will never forget me.

When I was renewed, I knew then that God wanted me to forgive my daddy. And I did. Talking about my family’s imperfection never embarrassed me nor made me feel like less of a person. On the contrary, it sculpted me to become who I am now.

It made me cry and made me question a lot of things, of course. But I couldn’t find the answers from my mom, my brother and from everybody else around me, because this was never the topic of our discussions in the house. It was not really a taboo, but it turned out to be something like that, or maybe we just really didn’t care.

I thought, I should have felt so sorry for myself, but before it gets to that point, God saved me from being like that. Eventually, He made me get through this stage of curiosity and madness smoothly, and before I knew it, I have let go.

I know my daddy loves me so much. He never fails to say the line “You’re my only daughter in this world” with pride, every time I see him. I know I am hurting him more when I intentionally don’t see him on my free days. It pains me as well, because I know I don’t have that same daughterly love I used to have for him when I was his little girl.

Things have changed since I’ve realized the truth about me and my daddy.

Now, I feel guilty whenever I do see him.

My search isn’t over yet, it hasn’t really started. But I know, someday, God will provide answers to my prayers and things will be clearer. I hope, when that time comes, everything would be easier to accept and he would understand.

What could be worst than starting your day confirming that your prayer and dream of knowing that only person in this whole wide world is shattered already?

I hate this day!!! I hate this day!!!! I hate March 5, 2008!!!!

This is unbelievable!!! ggggrrrrr..... i want to cry but you know how it feels like being constipated, that whatever effort you put in, things don't just happen... it's like that...but way way more agonizing!!!

The Football Match: Phnas vs. Paolino

I’m a sport- loving person. Though, I don’t play as often as I used to, it’s still in my heart, and the drive to learn new kinds of games is still in me. I love the adrenalin! I love learning new skills! But I think I can’t include it yet in my schedule…not yet… so for now…what I do is…I play those games with my students! Haha…but of course.. it was never a competitive game but only complete fun! Imagine that! (kainis! I need to make them win always..or else they would hate playing with me again and would even cry if I win…hehe).

So, last Saturday, I needed to meet up with Paolino for an extra hour. Since we only had to do reading, spelling and post- comprehension activities, that one hour was more than enough to play football in our conference room. Grabe! He’s the expert on this one so it turned out to be a basic skills training in football for teacher Phnas. In fairness! He’s a good coach…and I was stunned with what a 10- year old could do. Galing! So funny, that I was so into it, that when he was finishing his spelling and reading, where am I? I was practicing my “kicks”, trying to practice making a goal. (The goals were two mono block chairs…how cute could it be?).

That football game was SOOOO COOL!!!!

When things get in order, I will make time to learn how to play this sport..but that time..it will be the real game!

The Retreat

Spiritually I’ve been refreshed this weekend. I spent one night and one day in a retreat house in Cenacle, Katipunan together with other five community members, rye, peter, Pauline, garet and lynette. The retreat was great. I’ve been telling Kets that it was really an eye opener for me, because God reminded me again where am I spiritually. I admit it that I’m in my down nowadays, I’ve been failing to do my part as a Christian, I ignored my resonsibilities for so many times and made excuses so I would be pushed not to do them. It was my fault, I let temptations and hindrances impede me in doing these commitments I once made. With this retreat, I knew He already forgave me and is giving me another chance to recommit myself and correct the mistakes that I keep on doing that was caused by my faltering faith. God is great! He is a forgiving God! I know He never judged me in whatever way…and I am sure this time, He will help me conquer my weaknesses and that He will help me find refuge to overcome this struggle.

To be honest, talking about this part of my life is a risk for me because I don’t know if my friends and the people who know me would say something about this or anything like that. I demand that you suspend your judgment first. I hope you would join me in my journey as I discover Christ, our God, whom I personally call Daddy Jess!

So as I was speaking, that retreat was kind of short but that night and day were enough for me to accomplish my goal of going there, and that was to know what I could do. I was helpless, I admitted that I could not move forward spiritually unless I accept it that I could not do it on my own, that I need help. I had my peaks and my troughs, and still they weren’t enough to provide motivation and strength on my part.

I surely missed those times that I easily found peace in my heart and my mind in anytime I needed to. I haven’t experienced that for a long time until this weekend. I missed those times with Him. Kaya I was really happy that I was able to give my whole day just for Him and to update Him on what is going on with me. And it felt amazing!

I thank God for the gift of community and friends! I don’t want to imagine how my life would be like without them. I have found my new home! And I pray that you will too…

Don’t stop loving God! Don’t stop loving life! Don’t stop finding happiness! *hugs*

Sometimes, I feel that I’m dumb! Hehe.. well I am not ashamed of it because I think I really am, in so many instances, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I’d rather ask or admit I don’t know something and feel like a fool for few minutes than pretend, so I won’t be ignorant in people’s eyes and then be a fool forever? No Way!

I am not very well versed with words. I am not an eloquent speaker. I am not a walking- breathing dictionary. I don’t speak with twang. I can’t finish a book in one sitting. My level of appreciation is weird. I can’t retell a story or a movie properly and in detail. I can’t recall the characters and their lines. I think in a disorganized manner, my thoughts are disarray. I don’t really know a lot of famous and important personas in the world. I can’t remember lyrics; I have my own lyrics when I sing. I am not a technical person. I give tangential answers to questions. I can’t remember names. And so on and so forth… things that I am not knowledgeable about, things that I am not good in doing. But, it’s so funny that I feel okay with that, because I know admitting that I don’t know something and I can’t do something make me so imperfect. And I have reasons to learn more.

Now I wonder how, why do people deem that I am smart….that they actually believe that?..hehe

But seriously, it’s so humbling to admit that I am really an imperfect being in many ways…

Loving You Now...

There’s a reason to smile

For my heart to leap up and shout

Just remembering the past

Thinking and feeling there was something in us

We remained good pals

Throughout the years you were with another friend

I was happy for you and forgot what could have been

I thought everything ended because I was letting go

Still there are times that I come to think

I used to wonder how we could be like

You and I together, would it work out?

If I give another chance to feelings forgotten

Would it be fair to start loving you now?

Saturation Point

Sometimes if you feel it’s too much already, you have to drop everything that you do and find time to think and be useless for a while. I’ve been struggling for the past weeks. One day I feel so okay then suddenly something would happen that would turn my mood and disposition 180 degrees. Darn! And today is the saturation point of everything, that’s why I stopped. I took a leave and went home. It wasn’t planned. I just felt I badly needed it. I followed what my heart and my mind are demanding. I know this will make me feel better and make me forget…I know because it always does.

• My co-teacher Beepsie lost his brother because of a cardiac attack. I really feel sorry for her. I pray that she’ll go through this with faith and courage, but I know no matter what I’d say, it’d still be not enough to make her feel better.

• I couldn’t make things better for me, my dad and step brothers. I want them to know how I am, what I do. I want to know how they are and what they do. I haven’t started trying, pero I feel tired already. It’s crushing me…

• The first time I was able to have a serious conversation with paolino (my favorite student whom I call “my little prince”).

Pao: You know what, I’m the dumbest boy in our class

Phnas: Don’t say that pao, that’s not true.

Pao: No, it is! I get low grades, and oh eto (as he stared to the ceiling, his mannerism when he talks to me)…uhhmm… how come I can’t read. My classmates they all can. They don’t need to review for a long time for a quiz. Me, I do but I still get low grades.

Phnas: Let’s just put it this way, all of you have different ways to learn. You learn differently from them. Even if you can’t read fast, that doesn’t mean you are not smart.

(this 10-year old boy, as I see him, is a “maparaan” na kid, he can get away with things, he has his way…I can sit down with him and talk endlessly….I loooove talking to him)

Phnas: Paolino, did you get me? You are not dumb. You, being here is one of your ways of learning. I teach you how to read, to spell and to understand more.

Pao: Oh, I have a joke!!! (syempre, tangential ang sagot, serious nga tayo pao eh, eto na naman tayo sa classic Paolino joke mo! Hehe)

(this is one of the things I love about my little prince, he tells jokes, pero he doesn’t know that paulit-ulit lang ang jokes niya, pero I don’t make him feel na I’ve heard them before. But it was not what he says, but how he says that makes me laugh).

Pao: What do you call this? (he was doing his posit joke..you know, “what’s the opposite of posit? Answer: opposite?)

Pero how come…?

Phnas: How come what? (Oh we’re back on track)

Pao: When I was in prep (he looked again to the ceiling), I was solving math, how come I got it correctly even if I didn’t know how to read the direction, that my teacher read to me pa?

Phnas: Oh see! I told you, you are smart, because you knew what to do at that time, you did not need anybody’s help in that particular time to be able to solve the problem.

Pao: Eh kasi I saw the minus sign, that’s why I subtracted it.

But that’s okay, as long as I pass, I don’t care if I get a C or D as long as I pass. (then he smiled).

I wish it’s that easy o be contented, to be happy and to bring happiness. I wish that I could have the heart of a child forever, so it’s easy to forget and move one.

• Last Saturday, Gabby couldn’t stay seated and couldn’t stop moving.

Phnas: Gabby what’s wrong

Gabby: (holding his lips) mmmmmm…

(suddenly…)

Oh my gosh!

(He just lost a tooth, and throughout the two-hour session, he was biting cotton with blood…eewww…pero I saw no reaction…. He wasn’t hurt, he didn’t panic, it was like, wala lang)

Ang sarap maging manhid in times when you are supposed to feel hurt…

• Last night, I couldn’t stop crying. I just needed to cry. I felt tired doing what I am doing. ON my way to my apartment, while walking on the street, I couldn’t hold my tears from falling, I was supposed to go home but I got home late from the wake. I felt so guilty I wasn’t able to attend community as I had promised. I felt sad that I didn’t see my community friends. I called Kets and I said sorry.

• Alaska won the First Semis Game against the Sta. Lucia in a best of seven series, and I might even watch the Sunday live game….hope matuloy!!!

• Novak Djokovich wins the Australian open

(Though I wanted Jo Tsonga to win, okay lang, that was an unbelievable match up naman and I enjoyed it very much!

• Though UST Volleyball team had their first elim lost against FEU,okay lang coz I think they can still make it to the finals.. hopefully against DLSU, pero I think it would be FEU…

Life would be so boring without Sports!

Raggs!!!!!

There is High 5, Dora, Blues Clues and other kiddie shows. Since the Princess Sarah, Cedi and Nelo time, I was never really into this kind of shows anymore, of course coming of age, my preferences changed as well. Until…. I saw this show whose bidas are dogs! And before I know it, I am getting hooked up with RAGGS!!! So amazing to feel like a child again….. I can even talk about it with my 5 year old Austie student….cool!

This show educates kids, there’s a portion where in a cat interviews kids about, well anything..and I enjoy it sooooo much….super cute ng mga kids and the answers they give…Grabe!!! Then before it ends, they have this mini concert where they sing songs that always keeps me dancing with the beat. They, the dogs are the band members themselves! Would you believe that? They sing, they dance, play guitars and beat the drums!

It’s on channel 17, 2 to 2:30 pm, I think everyday they show it.

Enjoy!!!

Pulse Up!!!!

Am I Taking Care Of My Heart?

Yes!!! because…

…it’s filled with so much love

…it talks to Daddy Jess

…it is innocent and childish

…it is happy most of the time

…it is healthy

…it forgives easily and doesn’t resent

…it appreciates everything

…it is honest

…it feels pain once in a while but

…it doesn’t let pain change the way it is

…it cries when it’s hurting

…it jumps for joy when it’s glad

…it is not selfish

…it is careful in choosing the man to whom it’ll trust

…it listens sincerely

…it is smart in many ways

…it is generous

Tuesdays with Morrie...A Play

I’ve read the book back in college..I like how Mitch Albom wrote it…simple but in one way or another you could relate to what he ‘s telling in his stories. He is one of my favorite authors. Actually, I haven’t seen the movie back in 2003, I think I didn’t know then that there was. So, when Beepsie told us that we could see the last showing of the play Tuesdays with Morrie by Repertory, gosh! We grabbed it.

And it did happen just tonight. There were only two actors, Bart Guingona as Mitch Albom and Jose Mari Avellana as Morrie Schwartz. They were able to touch their audience, they were really really good. They made us listen, laugh and cry a lot! I didn’t know I would be so in love with their characters this much. I could not remember if I did appreciate them in the book, I really can’t remember, but two things stick into my mind after seeing the play:

First, I am fortunate to have this job, because I know even in my own little ways I am able to touch my students’ lives. I am so proud to be a teacher! I may not be the most knowledgeable, experienced, patient teacher they could ever have…. But I love them truly! That’s what I am sure… and I hope someday they would still remember their teacher Phnas ;)

Second, I’ve realized that I am really happy!

“Dying is sad…but being unhappy is something else”

All of us maybe are afraid to die, maybe because we aren’t sure what awaits us beyond this lifetime. Dying scares me a lot, I hate it because it causes all kinds of pain. I don’t have the courage even to think about it in the first place.

But living an unhappy life is another story. The moment he had said that line, tears started to fall on my cheeks because I’ve realized and I am sure that I am happy. Different kind of happiness I get from the love around me, not from material things but from my family, from my friends and people I know, things I do, the dreams I have and most especially the great love I receive from Daddy Jess. I was just thinking that, oh my! My death would not be a sad one at all! because I am living a happy life!

“When you die, things won’t matter, but the lives you’ve touched”.

I love Morrie! I love theater! I love me! And I love being happy!